Local Runner Vows Not to Resume In-Person Racing Until He Can Convince Himself Through Contorted, Self-Serving Rationalizations That It's Safe
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Organizers of Schrödinger Marathon Say 2021 Race Is Canceled and Still On
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Runners struggle with apparent paradox.
Read MoreINSPIRATIONAL: With All Her Races Canceled, She Abandoned Running and Took Up Cycling
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“Even when things look bleak,” says former runner, “there’s always a way through.”
Read MoreMan’s Virtual Boston Marathon Just Like the Real Thing If the Real Thing Were a September Event Held in Kansas and Had One Participant Whose Name Was Gordon
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“Always a thrill to run Boston,” says veteran marathoner.
Read MoreRunning Elder Tells Youngsters of Things Called ‘Marathons’
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Spellbound children hear tales of large, phlegm-filled gatherings.
Read MoreFor First Time Ever, NYC Marathon Is Double-Canceled
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“It is not a decision that we took lightly,” say organizers.
Read MoreWith Local Marathon Canceled, Residents Scramble to Find Something Else to Bitch About This Fall
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Couple seek some other outlet for resentment and anger.
Read MoreMarine Corps Marathon Cancelation Shocks Local Imbecile
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Mouth-breathing runner “didn’t see this coming.”
Read MoreMarine Corps Marathon 'Proceeding as Planned,' Says Race Director From Remote Jungle Compound
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“Are my methods unsound?” Kurtz wonders aloud.
Read MoreFlorida Governor Offers to Host Chicago Marathon
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Sunshine State is “the perfect place” for recently canceled event, says a coughing DeSantis.
Read MoreMarine Corps Marathon Organizers Unveil Safety Plan for Grand Piano Plummeting From High Rise
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Afternoon walk is “proceeding as planned,” they say.
Read MoreMarine Corps Marathon ‘Proceeding as Planned’ as Asteroid Casts Shadow Over Entire Eastern Seaboard
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Organizers “implementing safety measures” for October event.
Read MoreEvery Running Event in the World Canceled Forever
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“You know what?” says global group of race directors. “Fuck it.”
Read MoreCowbells Aren’t Just for Marathons, Says Marketer Sitting on Warehouse Full of Unsold Product
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Metallic noisemakers have any number of uses, insists nation’s largest manufacturer.
Read MoreLocal Runner Can’t Believe Race Canceled Just Because of Fast-Spreading Global Health Emergency For Which Nation Is Woefully Unprepared
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