Marine Corps Marathon 'Proceeding as Planned,' Says Race Director From Remote Jungle Compound
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“Preparations for the 2020 Marine Corps Marathon Weekend are proceeding as planned” for Sunday, October 25, Race Director Walter Kurtz said today from his isolated jungle outpost somewhere in Cambodia.
The news comes as yet more major marathons announce cancelations due to the coronavirus pandemic, most recently the Chicago Marathon, which said yesterday that this fall’s race would not take place. Critics have called the Marine Corps Marathon’s cancelation all but inevitable and wondered why organizers are still refusing to acknowledge as much.
Kurtz, a former decorated colonel, spoke deliberately and quietly as he made his declaration, sitting in a dark but dramatically lit bedchamber and rubbing his shaved head.
The news was relayed by Benjamin Willard, a reporter sent by military leaders to find Kurtz and “interview” him.
“Are my methods unsound?” Kurtz asked Willard.
“I don't see any method at all, sir,” Willard replied.
Kurtz went on to tell Willard that he watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor.
“That's my dream; that's my nightmare,” Kurtz whispered. “Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor... and surviving.”
“The marathon is proceeding as planned,” he repeated before ordering Willard to be caged like an animal.
“The horror… the horror…”
Rumors that Willard’s mission was actually to infiltrate Kurtz’s team by whatever means available and terminate his command could not be confirmed.
