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Trump Signs Executive Order Barring Triathlon Transitions
Trump Signs Executive Order Barring Triathlon Transitions

New directive flummoxes athletes and event directors alike.

Local Jogger Getting Pretty Good at Guessing Time and Manner of Death
Local Jogger Getting Pretty Good at Guessing Time and Manner of Death

Self-taught expert says she can spot blunt-force trauma from 20 feet away.

New Signs Will Alert Drivers to Intersections Where They Really Do Need to Stop
New Signs Will Alert Drivers to Intersections Where They Really Do Need to Stop

“Really Red” traffic light may be next, officials say.

Dumb Runner Illustrated #127: 'Foul'
Dumb Runner Illustrated #127: 'Foul'

Just watch your step.

Report: Boston-Bound Runner Is All ‘Hopkinton This’ and ‘Wellesley That,’ Blah Blah Blah
Report: Boston-Bound Runner Is All ‘Hopkinton This’ and ‘Wellesley That,’ Blah Blah Blah

List of marathon-related references nearly exhausted.

Running a Marathon Turns Your Brain Awesome, Researchers Find
Running a Marathon Turns Your Brain Awesome, Researchers Find

Awesomeness levels nearly quintuple after just one marathon, study finds.

Dumb Runner Illustrated #126: 'Half'
Dumb Runner Illustrated #126: 'Half'

But you didn’t hear it from me.

Local Runner Blames Poor Marathon Performance on DEI
Local Runner Blames Poor Marathon Performance on DEI

Link remains unclear.

Deceased Runner Drowned in Own Data, Autopsy Finds
Deceased Runner Drowned in Own Data, Autopsy Finds

Fitness stats and data “just too much” for local man, says medical examiner.

Indecisive Runner Causes Quarter-Mile Backup at Marathon Aid Station
Indecisive Runner Causes Quarter-Mile Backup at Marathon Aid Station

“They all look so good,” says dithering man. 

Final Two Runners at Barkley Marathons Forced to Engage in Kirk-vs.-Spock-Style Fight to Death
Final Two Runners at Barkley Marathons Forced to Engage in Kirk-vs.-Spock-Style Fight to Death

Hyper-dramatic music adds element of suspense.

‘I Can’t Run Without Music,’ Says Man Who Labels Self UNSTOPPABLE
‘I Can’t Run Without Music,’ Says Man Who Labels Self UNSTOPPABLE

Contradiction eludes self-styled badass.

Trump Announces 25% Tariffs on Kudos From Canada and Mexico
Trump Announces 25% Tariffs on Kudos From Canada and Mexico

No one sure how this will work.

‘First One Is Free,’ Says Race Director Pushing 5K Entries on Street
‘First One Is Free,’ Says Race Director Pushing 5K Entries on Street

“Go ahead, on the house,” man tells curious stranger.

Report: This Not Good
Report: This Not Good

Foot rolls in comically unnatural manner.

'Star Wars'-Loving Runner Relies on The Force to Detect Threats, Obstacles
'Star Wars'-Loving Runner Relies on The Force to Detect Threats, Obstacles

With the blast shield down, local man can’t see a thing.

Report: Some Guy Out There Running in Shorts, in This Weather
Report: Some Guy Out There Running in Shorts, in This Weather

Man’s legs must be freezing, woman announces.

Runner Staring at Phone Collides With Walker Staring at Phone
Runner Staring at Phone Collides With Walker Staring at Phone

Phones fall to ground but are unharmed.

Dumb Runner Illustrated #122: 'Forecast'
Dumb Runner Illustrated #122: 'Forecast'

Go ahead. Ask him about the dew point.

‘Be in the Moment’ Is Terrible Advice, Man Decides in Marathon’s Final Miles
‘Be in the Moment’ Is Terrible Advice, Man Decides in Marathon’s Final Miles

Local runner hates moment, doesn’t want to be in it.