7 Dumb Runner Halloween Costumes That Absolutely Nobody Will Get: 2025 Edition
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Friends, the stores are full of holiday displays, wrapping paper, and Christmas tree ornaments, which can mean only one thing—Halloween is almost here!
If you're still looking for a costume and you really want to "stand out from the crowd," i.e. to “wear something that's incomprehensibly obscure and inspired by Dumb Runner articles from the past 12 months,” well... Here are a few suggestions.
Dude-Bro Dietitian
For full effect, make it plural by teaming up with a friend!
WHAT IT IS: A twentysomething male dietitian who enjoys lifting weights, wearing tight T-shirts, listening to Joe Rogan (probably), and urging everyone to check out these nice, firm melons.
WHAT YOU'LL NEED: T-shirt or tank top, one size too small; hair product; awful body spray; vacuous stare; two round melons, such as cantaloupe or honeydew, or large color photo of such melons.
WHAT YOU WILL NOT NEED: Sense of self-awareness.
SOURCE: National Association of Dude-Bro Dietitians Recommends That Everyone Check Out These Melons
Parallel Universe David Goggins
Stay silly!
WHAT IT IS: A version of the famously earnest tough guy (officially named David Goggins-☋-Æ16) from another dimension with a healthy sense of humor.
WHAT YOU'LL NEED: Name tag reading “David Goggins-☋-Æ16”; bald cap; workout apparel; willingness to tell dad jokes, dance little jigs, or just throw your head back and laugh at your own expense.
WHAT YOU WILL NOT NEED: Scowl; constant, simmering anger and resentment.
SOURCE: ‘It’s Important Not to Take Yourself Too Seriously,’ Says Parallel Universe David Goggins
'Star Wars'-Loving Runner
You’ll feel a great disturbance—as if millions of voices suddenly cried out, “I don’t get your costume.”
WHAT IT IS: An avid runner and lifelong “Star Wars” fan who uses The Force, rather than his body’s own senses, to navigate his runs.
WHAT YOU'LL NEED: An X-Wing fighter pilot helmet with blast shield; your normal running gear. (Bonus: A white-bearded companion in a coarse brown robe to coach you along as you try and fail to grab a candy bar that’s right in front of you.)
WHAT YOU WILL NOT NEED: Your weapons.
SOURCE: 'Star Wars'-Loving Runner Relies on The Force to Detect Threats, Obstacles
Boston-Bound Runner
Blah blah blah.
WHAT IT IS: A local runner who’s headed to next year’s Boston Marathon and won’t shut up about it.
WHAT YOU'LL NEED: Running gear (ideally Boston-themed) and a willingness to name-drop the Boston Marathon, directly or indirectly, nonstop for hours.
WHAT YOU WILL NOT NEED: Any other topic of conversation.
SOURCE: Report: Boston-Bound Runner Is All ‘Hopkinton This’ and ‘Wellesley That,’ Blah Blah Blah
Larry, the Misanthropic Runner
How far did you run today? Fuck off! THAT’S how far!
WHAT IT IS: An otherwise normal-seeming runner, named Larry, who hates other people and isn’t afraid to say so.
WHAT YOU'LL NEED: Running gear; contempt for everyone who crosses your path; sneer; “Hello, My Name Is LARRY” name tag.
WHAT YOU WILL NOT NEED: Empathy; compassion; kindness.
These Assholes
Oh, great.
WHAT IT IS: An unidentified male and female couple, dressed in skintight athletic apparel and conspicuously performing a series of “partner exercises” right in front of everyone.
WHAT YOU'LL NEED: A partner; coordinating skintight athletic apparel, preferably blue and purple; a certain amount of strength and flexibility.
WHAT YOU WILL NOT NEED: Any sense of self-consciousness.
Intact Male
A lot like Larry the Misanthropic Runner, but more confrontational.
WHAT IT IS: An unneutered male runner with a habit of growling and snapping at fellow runners.
WHAT YOU'LL NEED: Running gear; testicles.
WHAT YOU WILL NOT NEED: Whatever muscles you use to smile.
SOURCE: Report: Intact Male Being Aggressive With Other Runners in Park
