Ask Dr. Dumb: Should I Pause My Runs to Punch Witches?
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SCreengrab via wral.com
Readers, we heard from Dr. Dumb just nine days ago, and I had no intention of chatting with him again quite so soon. But sometimes fate steps in and forces your hand.
Fate, in this case, comes in the form of a story out of Salinas, California, titled “Caught on Camera: Jogger Attacks Neighbor's Halloween Decorations, Unprovoked.” (I found this story via WRAL, a television station in Raleigh, N.C., which slugged it “NATIONAL NEWS.”)
I tried to resist writing about this incident. Really. But my fingers, as if guided by otherworldly forces, ouija-board-style, moved unbidden toward my keyboard and pecked out A-S-K-D-R-D-U-M-B-S-H-O-U-L-D-I-P-U-N-C-H-W-I-T-C-H-E-S, and here we are.
Let’s dive in!
Dumb Runner: Doctor, thanks for joining us again.
Dr. Dumb: You’re welcome. But I’m still recovering from our last chat, so this better be good.
We’re here to discuss a woman in California who has twice paused her “jogs” to fight life-size witch decorations on someone’s lawn.
OK, that’s good.
We know this because she was caught on the homeowner’s doorbell camera.
Those things really do pay for themselves, don’t they?
The gist of this story is that this woman has—not once, but twice—jogged past a certain house and stopped to assault three witches arrayed on the front lawn.
Weird.
That is the perfect word for it, as shown via this etymological tidbit from Merriam-Webster: Weird derives from the Old English noun wyrd, essentially meaning “fate.” By the 8th century, the plural wyrde had begun to appear in texts as a gloss for Parcae, the Latin name for the Fates—three goddesses who spun, measured, and cut the thread of life. In the 15th and 16th centuries, Scots authors employed werd or weird in the phrase “weird sisters” to refer to the Fates. William Shakespeare adopted this usage in Macbeth, in which the “weird sisters” are depicted as three witches. Subsequent adjectival use of weird grew out of a reinterpretation of the weird used by Shakespeare.
Three witches! Wow.
See? Anyway, it is indeed a weird story—made weirder by the fact that in one instance the woman actually jogged past the witches, then doubled back to punch them. In the other case, she stopped directly in front of the house and stared at the witches for a bit before moving in and clobbering them.
Why?
I was hoping you could float some ideas as to her motive.
Oh, right. Well, in my expert opinion I would say there are three possible explanations. One, this woman is insane. Two, she’s high on something. Or three, you know, she just really hates witches.
Whatever the reason, punching those things must have felt pretty good, because she came back to do it a second time.
Absolutely. Don’t you ever feel like punching something? Now more than ever?
Every single day.
Of course you do! In fact, I’d say the real question here isn’t, Why did this person punch out some lawn decorations? but, Why doesn’t this happen more often?
Would you recommend punching witches to folks reading this, then?
Well, not if they’re in the middle of a tempo run or something. But an ordinary, everyday run? Sure. Where’s the harm? The witches weren’t harmed, and the runner got to let off some steam.
Does that advice apply to lawn decorations year-round? Should runners punch, say, inflatable Santa Clauses?
Go for it. Especially if they’re also playing the same bit of tinny electronic music over and over.
Any other parting advice for runners dealing with stress and anger?
Yes. Keep your thumb outside your fist, not inside. Otherwise you could break it.
Thank you for your time, doctor, and take care.
Ho, ho, ho.
