National Association of Dude-Bro Dietitians Recommends That Everyone Check Out These Melons
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Depositphotos; background: Declan Sun/UNSPLASH
A professional group representing vacuous and vain young men who are also dietitians released a statement today urging everyone to “check out these melons,” Dumb Runner has learned—advice that two representatives of the group repeated several times without further elaboration.
“Summer is almost here, and that means peak season for many fresh fruits and vegetables,” said Jesse Montgomery III, 25, a spokesperson for the National Association of Dude-Bro Dietitians. “In light of this fact, check out these melons.”
Montgomery spoke next to a poster-sized photo of what appeared to be two cantaloupes.
“I would just like to underscore that point,” said Chester Greenburg, 23, another spokesperson standing next to Montgomery. “I mean, check out these melons.”
Melons yield many nutritional benefits, according to experts; cantaloupe, in particular, offer “fiber and vitamins that benefit your heart health, help prevent cancer, reduce inflammation, improve immunity and boost eye health.”
Neither the NADBD statement nor Montgomery’s and Greenburg’s comments mentioned those benefits, however, focusing instead on the physical properties of the melons themselves.
“So nice and round and firm,” said Greenburg. “Juicy, too.”
“Fit real good in your hands,” added Montgomery.
The two then turned their conversation to cargo shorts and hair gel as they performed sets of standing biceps curls.
Reached for comment, the National Association of Dude-Bro Dietitians offered no additional remarks on the statement, but noted that the hot summer months are also a good time to hang out at your local supermarket, where you’re likely to see not just nice melons but also nice racks, nice shelves, nice buns, and nice cans.
