Angry Man Launches 7,000-Pound Missile
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A local man known for being irritable and impatient gained control of a massive weapon this morning, Dumb Runner has learned, igniting and launching a deadly 7,000-pound missile.
Buddy Rydell, 44, launched the missile around 7 a.m. and reportedly has total control over its speed and direction. Authorities have not been able to track the weapon or determine where it might be headed, though several cyclists and pedestrians have reported sightings and near misses on city streets.
Sources described Rydell as “a pretty angry guy overall” and “sort of scary to drive with.”
“He’s always in a hurry,” said one source, who requested anonymity, for obvious reasons. “The kind of guy who will mash the gas pedal to the floor just to get to the next red light.”
“He always seems pissed off about something.”
Rydell has been known to scream at pedestrians, including runners, to get off the road, the source said, sometimes swerving toward them. At least once he has exited his vehicle to confront a runner who had gestured for him to slow down.
“The dude has a big chip on his shoulder,” said the source. “And a very short fuse.”
Officials are urging vulnerable road users to be cautious and to keep an eye out for the weapon, identified as a black F-350 XLT.
“It’s hard to miss,” Police Chief Dave Buznik said in a virtual news conference. “This particular model is 21 feet long, 7 feet tall, and 9 feet wide.”
“That said,” Buznik added, “this missile does have a very powerful V8 propulsion system. If you aren’t careful, it could be on top of you before you know it.”
He paused.
“Actually,” he said, “it can nail you even if you are being careful.”
Asked whether he considers the subject a terrorist, Buznik declined to comment, adding that authorities are hoping the missile lands in an unpopulated area or a body of water.
“For now,” he said, “all we can do is cross our fingers and hope no one gets hurt.”
