14 Ways to Make Your Virtual Marathon More Realistic
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With coronavirus cases continuing to rise and no vaccine on the horizon, mass events like marathons are being canceled or postponed left and right. Instead, runners are being encouraged to participate in their own virtual marathons.
A virtual marathon can never match the thrill of the real thing, of course. But there are several ways you can make yours seem more authentic.
For instance:
1. Secure a major sponsor for your “race,” such as a global financial services company or a Fortune 500 health care conglomerate.
2. Apply for permits to hold your race on public roads and streets; arrange with local authorities to close the course on race day; liaise with first responders to develop an emergency response plan.
3. Hire a lawyer to write a 12,000-word waiver for your event, then sign without reading it.
4. Send yourself important reminder emails about your race every day for the three weeks leading up to race day.
5. Order yourself an official race shirt, but make sure it’s at least one size too large or too small. When it arrives, try it on and complain about the fit.
6. Rent a nearby hotel ballroom. The day before your race, go there and walk around it for an hour. Remember to take a photo I.D.
7. Drink a pot of coffee the night before your race to ensure a poor night’s sleep.
8. The morning of your race, set up aid stations every 2 miles along your course. Alternate each one with way-too-strong Lemon-Lime Gatorade or way-too-weak Lemon-Lime Gatorade.
9. Ten minutes before the start of your race, pee in your neighbor’s bushes.
10. Two minutes before the start of your race, pee on the street.
11. Ask a neighbor (not the one whose bushes you just peed in) to stand nearby while you sing the National Anthem. Glare at him for not removing his hat.
12. During your race, say “BEEP!” every 5K to replicate the sound of running over a timing mat. If you had the foresight to rent and lay down timing mats on your own, even though it wasn’t part of this list, you won’t have to actually say “BEEP!” But you can if you want.
13. After you finish, check your watch. If it doesn’t read 26.2 miles on the nose, go online to announce that the course was long or short.
14. Wear a medal for the remainder of the day. You did it!
