Ask Dr. Dumb: Should I Worry About Really Muscly Kangaroos?
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My friends, sometimes it seems as if life is nothing more than an endless stream of threats and danger. (That’s why I carry … DOUBLE.) This is especially true if you’re a runner or, God help us all, a jogger.
We have explored many of these dangers here, including, but by no means limited to, moose, mountain lions, psycho ostriches, cows, hitting your head twice and waking up on a pile of sticks, and snakes falling from the sky.
Today’s threat: Kangaroos.
Longtime readers will recall that Dumb Runner has covered kangaroo-related danger before (back in 2016), but that story involved a driver who “slammed into a kangaroo, flipping the animal into” a jogger. In other words, the kangaroo was almost incidental to the story. Merely a projectile.
Well, things have escalated. No longer content to wait around for a motor vehicle collision to launch them into joggers, kangaroos are going after humans directly. By attempting to drown them.
Seriously.
Worse, they (the kangaroos) have apparently been pumping iron, like convicts in a prison yard, to stack the odds in their favor, because the kangaroo in this most recent story was described as “really muscly.”
I think I speak for runners and joggers everywhere when I say, “What the fuck?”
To help us answer that and other pressing questions, we reached out to our resident expert on aquatic safety and marsupials, Dr. Dumb.
Dumb Runner: OK, let’s get right to it. First question: What the fuck?
Dr. Dumb: Well, according to a report from BBC.com, it sounds like some folks in Australia startled a swole kangaroo and he reacted the way any of us would—by “throwing punches” at the man and then holding his head underwater.
Doctor, are you blaming the victim here?
I wouldn’t go that far. I’m just saying it’s all his fault.
An interesting distinction.
I mean, it’s worth noting that 12 months ago the so-called victim had “fended off another attack, that time by a great white shark.” Seems to me this guy has a knack for finding trouble, where the animal kingdom is concerned. Draw your own conclusions.
In any case, this guy found himself submerged at the hands of a kangaroo.
Correct. In “floodwaters which had pooled on the side of the road,” according to the BBC report.
Do you think it occurred to the victim to go limp, feigning death, and then—when the kangaroo lets go and turns its back—to leap up and try to kill the kangaroo? Like in “Fatal Attraction”?
No. I assume he’s never seen that movie. Or, I guess, any horror movie.
In your opinion, is it a coincidence that Runner’s World shared this just days after the “really muscly” kangaroo story began circulating … ?
I can’t say for sure, but I’d like to think that if the editors had seen the kangaroo story, that headline would have read, “Building Muscular Power Isn’t Just for Kangaroos.”
On a related note, shortly after seeing that Runner’s World headline, I saw this one, from Men’s Health …
… which has to be a winking reference to the kangaroo thing. No?
Oh, for sure. Very funny, Men’s Health.
Final question: Should runners be worried about really muscly kangaroos?
Yes, but only if they’re in Australia. Or the kangaroo habitat at a zoo.
That second one is a joke, right?
Absolutely not. It’s happened to me—a few times.
Thank you for your time, doctor.
You’re welcome, mate.
