Ask Dr. Dumb: Should I Worry About Psycho Ostriches?
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Friends, has it really been more than a year since we last heard from Dr. Dumb? Is that possible? [UPDATE, 5/14/2025: No, it is not. I just realized that I published an Ask Dr. Dumb column in December 2024. Dumb Runner regrets the error.]
It sure seems so. Which sort of blows me away. Anyway, I am jumpier than an excitable sausage dog to tell you that Dr. Dumb is back, here and now, to discuss a very important topic that nearly slipped by me, given all the crazy shit happening these days:
Psycho ostriches.
This subject comes to us courtesy of an article titled Jogger Strangles Psycho Ostrich, from a South African website called IOL.co.za. Was this an isolated incident, or should all joggers be concerned? What about runners? And is there some way we can work Boris Johnson into this conversation?
To answer these urgent questions, and more, we turned to our resident expert on flightless birds and rumpled British politicians, Dr. Dumb.
Dumb Runner: Hello, doctor, and thanks for joining us. It’s been a while!
Dr. Dumb: Hello. And yes, it has.
First question: Psycho ostrich? Qu'est-ce que c'est?
Fa fa fa fa, fa fa fa fa fa far better.
Explain.
Right. So apparently a 19-year-old South African woman strangled an ostrich “in self-defence” while jogging on an ostrich farm outside Cape Town.
This person was jogging on an ostrich farm?
As one does, yes.
And then …
And then she encountered an ostrich.
Huh.
I know, right? And this particular ostrich charged her.
How do you stop a charging ostrich?
You take away its credit cards.
Didn’t you use that same joke back in our 2018 chat about moose?
Yes, and it was funny then, too.
Any other salient facts about this story?
Well, one thing to note is that this all happened 22 years ago.
What!?! Then why did it only recently bubble up into the news cycle?
Don’t ask me. I’m a flightless-birds-and-rumpled-British-politician expert, not a journalism expert. I will say, however, that while this story is old, the ostrich threat remains very real, even today.
Meaning, there are more recent stories involving psycho ostriches?
Yes. For instance, last month Boris Johnson, the former British prime minister, “was attacked by an ostrich while visiting a wildlife park in Texas with his family.”
But he wasn’t jogging at the time, was he?
No, he was in a car. Though this is a nice opportunity to share some photos of Boris Johnson jogging.
Cor blimey!
Didn’t you use that same phrase back in our 2024 chat about excitable sausage dogs?
It’s evergreen. Let’s cover some basics: How are ostriches dangerous? And what should our readers do if they encounter one?
I think you mean when they encounter one, because this problem is only getting worse. They’re going after cyclists now, too.
Cor blimey!
You said it. Anyway, ostriches are very large, powerful animals. According to the National Zoo’s website, they “stop predators with a powerful kick” while “sharp claws on their toes can deliver a damaging blow.” Also, “an ostrich may also use its body as a ram to knock a predator to the ground.”
Can a runner facing an ostrich simply flee?
You mean, run run run run, run run run away?
Something like that.
No. Ostriches can run at speeds of 30-37 mph and sprint up to 43 mph.
I’m starting to understand why the runner in the original story resorted to strangulation.
According to the article, she also told the bird, “I'm going to kill you!” I recommend doing that, as well.
Doctor, thank you for your insight. I hope we’ll talk again soon.
Wow—you start a conversation, you can finish it! You’re welcome.
