Ask Dr. Dumb: Should I Worry About a Snake Falling From the Sky?
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Folks, I don’t want to alarm you, but you should know that the next time you’re out for a run there’s a very real chance that a snake will fall from the sky and land on you. (If you’re out for a jog, I assume, the odds are much higher.)
This warning, as with most Ask Dr. Dumb topics, is ripped from the headlines. Specifically, it’s ripped from this headline:
A Woman Was Attacked by a Snake That Fell From the Sky. Then a Hawk Dived In.
Yeah. There’s a hawk in there, too.
The article in question was published earlier this month in The New York Times; the incident itself happened in July. So if you have recently been attacked by a falling snake, please accept my apologies. I could have, and should have, warned you sooner.
Anyway, for rumination regarding this reptilian riddle, I contacted our go-to expert on alliteration and herpetology, Dr. Dumb.
Dumb Runner: Thank you for joining us, Doctor. Can you give readers the gist of this story?
Dr. Dumb: Sure. According to the news article, a Texas woman named Peggy Jones was doing yard work on July 25 with her husband when “a snake fell from the clear blue sky, wrapping itself tightly around Ms. Jones’s right forearm” and lunging at her face.
Is Ms. Jones a religious woman?
Apparently so, because—again, according to the article—she responded by screaming, “Jesus, help me, please, Jesus, help me!”
Did Jesus help her?
He did, by sending a hawk.
Then what happened?
The hawk dive-bombed Ms. Jones, scratching and jabbing at her arm repeatedly with its talons.
That doesn’t sound very helpful.
God works in mysterious ways.
It sounds like the hawk had snatched the snake earlier, accidentally dropped it mid-air, onto the unfortunate Ms. Jones, and now was trying to retrieve it.
All part of God’s plan.
Did the hawk succeed in getting the snake?
Yes. Then he flew off, leaving a horrified Ms. Jones with a scratched, bruised and punctured arm. She is recovering but still badly shaken.
This happened in Texas, so I assume Ms. Jones was armed. Why didn’t she just shoot the snake? And the hawk?
Right? That’s why I carry. Who knows why she didn’t use the pistol she presumably had on her hip, or the backup gun in her ankle holster. The article doesn’t say.
In your expert opinion, what are the five scariest creatures that might fall from the sky and land on you?
From least to most scary:
5. Squid
4. Tarantula
3. Clown
2. Snake
1. Ted Cruz
Lastly, doctor, it can seem sometimes as if everything is a threat to runners. Especially if you get your running news solely from Dumb Runner’s Ask Dr. Dumb column. How can runners manage to navigate the world without being scared and anxious all the time?
It’s true that threats lurk everywhere. But try to maintain a “glass half full” mindset. For instance, the odds that any one of your readers will be hit by a falling snake may be high, but the chances of that snake being venomous are relatively low.
Also, some existing dangers could be much worse. I mean, cows are a threat. But at least they aren’t falling from the sky, a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail. We can be grateful for that.
Fetchez la vache.
What?
Fetchez la vache!
Oh.
Doctor, thank you for your time. Stay safe out there.
You’re welcome, and you too.
