Ask Dr. Dumb: Cow?!?

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Readers, in the seven-plus years of Dumb Runner’s existence I have used this space to warn you of many terrifying threats. Along with the ever-helpful Dr. Dumb, I have shared warnings and tips about mountain lions, moose, little girls on bikes, ghost joggers, and, perhaps most chilling of all, hitting your head twice and waking up in the woods on a pile of sticks.

I suppose it was inevitable that cows would join that list.

As always, today’s topic is ripped from the headlines. Perhaps you didn’t see those headlines. Or, if you did, perhaps you dismissed them as a joke, coming as they did right around April 1:

There are several other examples from several other outlets. Runner’s World ran a short article about it, too:

So many stories!

To sort through it all, I rang up our favorite authority on domesticated, cloven-hooved herbivores and personal safety, Dr. Dumb.

Dumb Runner: Thank you for joining us, doctor.
Dr. Dumb: You’re welcome.

So, to recap this story: It sounds like a runner in Maine was attacked by a cow.
Studying the headlines, yes, I believe you’re right. Specifically, according to a statement from local police:

Interesting. Do any of those many articles listed earlier offer any additional information or original reporting? Or do they just quote and paraphrase the police statement?
The latter.

Doesn’t that make them redundant?
Yes.

Are all of these outlets, then, motivated primarily not by informing their readers but by generating as many clicks as possible to their own websites because that’s how they make money?
Yes.

Wow. That really makes you appreciate an outlet like Dumb Runner, where all of the content is original, meaning you won’t find it anywhere else, and which is entirely ad- and sponsor-free, removing the incentive to repackage and regurgitate other websites’ stories, or to use clickbait headlines, etc.
Yes indeed. Which is why, if you appreciate all of that, it’s important to support Dumb Runner.

Shifting gears: These stories, following the police statement, use the word “cow.” But the police statement also describes the animal as a “male bovine.” I’ve always thought that females were called cows, while males were bulls or steers.
I thought that, too, and now I don’t know what to believe.

Based on the police statement, do you have any theories as to why this attack happened?
It’s hard to say. Apparently the victim was attacked not as she jogged, but as she “prepared for a jog.” Perhaps her pre-run routine, like mine, involves waving a red cape.

The statement also notes that after the attack, the animal’s owner was able to secure the cow “along with a large pig,” which I think is a detail that warrants further scrutiny.
Yes. Pigs are intelligent creatures. It’s possible the pig masterminded the whole thing. We’ll probably never know. I’m sure the pig is lawyered up by now.

Doctor, before I let you go: We chatted back in September 2018 about beef, and I’ve been dying ever since for an excuse to re-share the illustration of various cuts of beef that accompanied that article. This sounds like the perfect opportunity. Do you agree?
I do.

Great. Here it is:

Thank you, Dr. Dumb. As usual, it’s been a pleasure.
You’re welcome. I’ve always said that the Q&A is a medium that’s rarely well done, but you seem to nail it every time.