Readers, I am sorry to barge into your normal, quiet day with alarming news. But I feel duty-bound to tell you, in all caps, that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU TRAVEL TO AUSTRALIA.
UNLESS YOU ENJOY BEING HIT BY AIRBORNE KANGAROOS WHILE OUT FOR A RUN.
I.E., WHEN YOU ARE OUT FOR A RUN. NOT WHEN THE KANGAROOS ARE OUT FOR A RUN.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN.
This advisory comes as Dumb Runner is learning of a recent so-called "accident" in—we are not making this up—Kangaroo Flat, a small town about 90 miles northwest of Melbourne.
According to a report on TheAge.com.au:
A jogger out for a pre-dawn run has been injured after a car slammed into a kangaroo, flipping the animal into him.
Sam Walter, 28, said the bizarre collision might have been karma for his choice of dinner on Tuesday night—kangaroo steak.
He sustained leg injuries when the kangaroo was propelled towards him "like a football" by the impact.
We will pause once more to reiterate that this is an actual news story.
We are still struggling to get our heads around this story. Here is what we've been able to determine so far:
- Apparently some people eat kangaroo steak.
- According to Wikipedia, "Kangaroo Flat is home to the Kangaroos Football and Netball team." It is unclear whether this is just a name, or the team is composed of actual kangaroos. We desperately hope it's the latter, because could you imagine a bunch of kangaroos in uniforms?
- In Victoria (which includes Kangaroo Flat), kangaroos topped the list of animals cited in car insurance claims last year. They were involved in eight of 10 such accidents.
- Wombats came in at number 2. (Seriously.)
- Thirty years after Crocodile Dundee, we still cannot hear or read a story about Australia without thinking automatically of Paul Hogan. "G'day!" Does this happen to anyone else?
- Paul Hogan, it turns out, married Dundee costar Linda Kozlowski in 1990 but they are now divorced and, it was reported just this month, he is "ridding his LA home of all traces of his ex-wife—including the iconic red dress she wore in Crocodile Dundee." Well, that's sad.
There is still much we don't know. We therefore think you should stay put for the time being and not travel to Australia. Between this and the penis-biting spiders they have down there, the risk is just not worth it.
If you're reading this in an airplane en route to Australia, you may deplane when you land—but do not leave the airport. Await the next flight home and get yourself on it. Even if that means stowing away in a wheel well. Because flying a few thousand miles in an unpressurized jumbo jet wheel well is a picnic compared with being hit by a flying kangaroo, believe us.
In fact, we will go a step further. Dumb Runner is calling for a total and complete shutdown of kangaroos entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what the hell is going on.
Stay safe, folks.