Ask Dr. Dumb: Jogging With Two Guns
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Greetings, friends. I know it’s been a long time since I rapped at ya about joggers and guns—February 2016, to be precise—but, you know, a lot of other stuff has been going on. Also, that 2016 article, titled Running With Your Gun: FAQ, was really pretty comprehensive, if I do say so myself, including such questions as, What if I'm running with my gun duct-taped to my hand but I need to stop and pee?
In other words, I figured, I had written everything there was to write about joggers and firearms.
Then I saw a recent news item titled Jogging With 2 guns: Accidentally Shoots Himself. And I had questions
First of all, what kind of headline writing is that? Ever hear of a subject, headline writer? Who shot himself? Jeff Bezos? The Pope? Republican Party Whip John Thune (R, South Dakota)? Second, who the hell goes for a run—or even a jog—with not one but two guns?
The article, it turns out, is from the Caribbean nation of Trinidad and Tobago, and the “who” is a man named Andrew Rahaman, licensed gun owner and president of that country’s Pharmaceutical Board. According to the report:
Mr. Rahaman had just completed his exercise routine around the Queens Park Savannah when he attempted to enter his car at around 7.45pm. He was carrying firearms which were fully loaded with 9mm ammunition.
Police said Rahaman attempted to adjust one of the pistols, which was holstered and tucked in his right pants waist, causing it to discharge.
Which raises more questions than it answers. To learn more, we turned to our go-to expert on jogging and small arms, Dr. Dumb. We reached him by phone from his suburban backyard shooting range.
Dumb Runner: Doctor, thank you for joining us, but all that gunfire in the background is awfully loud. Could you pause your target practice for a few minutes while we chat?
Dr. Dumb: Of course. For the record, though, those shots weren’t me shooting at targets. I was just cleaning my gun.
So regarding this news item: Who the hell goes for a run with not one but two guns?
A runner who refuses to be a victim, that’s who. Anybody who navigates today’s crazy nightmare landscape without at least two guns is, in my opinion, asking for it. You might as well go around with a target painted on you.
Like, on your thigh?
Very funny. You laugh now—
I really do.
Let me finish! You laugh now, but just wait until you’re in a situation where you need to shoot someone and your primary gun jams or something. Then you’ll be sorry you aren’t carrying an additional gun. Or if you want to shoot someone with a gun in each hand, like Denzel Washington’s character in Training Day.
“Gun jam” sounds like a metallic-tasting spread for toast that you might find in the NRA’s online store.
Laugh all you like.
I will. But seriously, the article says that when police checked in with Mr. Rahaman at the hospital, in addition to his two guns they found “69 rounds of 9mm ammunition, one spent shell, (and) four magazines.” Isn’t that a bit excessive?
Sixty-nine, huh? Nice. Well, as I always say, “When it comes to love and ammunition, you can never have enough.”
How can readers avoid having a similar accident?
Great question. Some experts would suggest that not carrying loaded guns with you when you head out for a run is the only foolproof way to not shoot yourself. Which is fine, if you want to be a victim.
What if you don’t want to be a victim?
In that case, carry as many loaded guns with you as possible. Just be careful.
Good advice, as always, Dr. Dumb. Thank you for taking the time.
[gunshot]
You okay?
Oh God!
