‘Sure, That’s a Nice, Safe Distance,’ Says Report From National Academy of Sarcastic Public Health Experts
/
istockphoto.com
A new report from a group of public health professionals has nothing but praise for the nation’s walkers, runners, and cyclists, saying of their efforts at social distancing, “Just, wow.”
“Sure, that’s a nice, safe distance,” reads the report, issued today by the National Academy of Sarcastic Public Health Experts (NASPHE). “You guys are doing a super job with this. Really. Well done.”
The report appears in this week’s issue of the American Journal of Sardonic Medicine.
In reaching their conclusions, the report’s authors sent researchers to parks, waterfront paths, and other popular public spaces in 35 large population centers across the nation. They then recorded how many individuals passed them over a two-hour period, noting whether they were alone or in a group and what distance they seemed to be maintaining between themselves and others.
To help slow the spread of the coronavirus and the disease it causes, COVID-19, medical experts recommend keeping at least six feet away from other people.
“We couldn’t believe what we saw,” the report reads. “Our nation is full of geniuses. Geniuses who listen to experts and heed our advice and clearly know what words like six and feet and away mean.”
“Or not,” the text continued. “Whatever. It’s not like we’re all in the grip of a horrifying pandemic or anything, and not like simple things we could all do today might spare others from serious illness and death in the coming weeks.”
“But, hey, what do we know? We’re just professionals who have dedicated our lives to studying things like this.”
Reached by phone, a spokesperson for the group told Dumb Runner, “We’ll let our report speak for itself, but in short: Nice work, everybody. Way to go. We are all definitely not screwed.”
He ended the call with a slow clap.
