Marine Corps Marathon Renamed ‘The Donald J. Trump Marine Corps Marathon’
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Fake medal for fake story
The Marine Corps Marathon will change its name to The Donald J. Trump Marine Corps Marathon, effective immediately, Dumb Runner has learned—a rebranding that organizers are scrambling to accommodate just weeks before race day.
The move comes after Trump threatened to cancel the popular running event, held each fall in Arlington, Virginia, and Washington, D.C., if he couldn’t put his name on it.
This year’s marathon will take place Sunday, October 25.
“No one in history has done more for the Marine Corp [sic] than Trump,” the president wrote Tuesday in a 2:43 a.m. post on Truth Social. “But frankly their Marathon is a disaster, thanks to Sleepy Joe Biden and the radical-left democrats. Their Numbers are the lowest of any Marathon ever seen. Only I can save it, and that starts with putting TRUMP in the name. Make the Marine Corpse [sic] marathon GREAT AGAIN!!!”
“Thank you for your attention to this matter!” the post concluded.
According to several sources close to the race, organizers didn’t take the suggestion seriously until the president pressed the issue while making remarks to the media the following day.
Responding to a reporter who had asked about AI self-regulation, Trump abruptly shifted gears:
“There are those that say it's bigger than the industrial revolution, and you would think not. But actually, if you look at the numbers—you ever see these numbers? They're like, they're like straight up in the air. And so, it’s the—you want to talk bad numbers? This Marine Corps Marathon, here in D.C., which by the way—I have brought crime way down. Way, way down, to levels the likes of which the world has ever seen. But yeah. Things used to be—do you remember?—things used to be much different, thanks to democrat control. They hate America, hate freedom. But they love the criminals, don’t they? They love the criminals!
“And then the marathon, which, most people don’t know this, it takes place right here in Washington, OK? And the Marines, who support me very strongly, my beautiful Marines put this marathon on, but it’s become a disaster. It’s in terrible, terrible shape.
“Which is why I am saving it. I will save this event and make it great again, which, my name—I think the Trump administration should be recognized for that. The Donald J. Trump Marine Corps Marathon. That’s a beautiful name!
“And if they aren’t willing to do that, I think we’ll have to cancel it. I don’t know. I hope not. But we’ll see.”
Shortly after that, Marine Corps Marathon officials announced the name change and released an image of a new finisher’s medal design, gold-colored and featuring Trump’s face. Sources said a firm with ties to the president was awarded the no-bid contract to produce them; terms were not disclosed.
Reached for comment, the running community heaved a long, collective sigh and muttered, “We’re just so tired of this shit.”
