Local Man Just Out For a Run, Tra-La-La, Like Everything Is Perfectly Normal

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A local man headed out for a run this morning as if everything was perfectly normal, Dumb Runner has learned, just traipsing down the road.

The unidentified runner, a white, straight male in his 20s, covered between four and five miles, sources said, wearing a neutral and relaxed expression and showing no signs of stress or anxiety.

“It was wild,” said one eyewitness, who requested anonymity. “Dude is just moseying along, tra-la-la, without a care in the world.”

“I was like, Is this guy for real? Is he completely unaware of, you know, EVERYTHING?”

Another source said the runner did appear anxious at one point—but it turned out to be for a mundane reason, unrelated to current events.

“His shoe had become untied,” the source said. “He paused to tie it, then started running again, just sort of bopping along, you know, like doo-doo-doo.”

That source described the man’s overall demeanor as “blank, almost vacant.”

“All I could think was that it must be nice to be able to be that insulated from reality,” they said. “I mean, wow.”

At last report, the runner was strolling into a local coffeehouse, humming to himself, like the biggest choice he had to make this week was whether to buy himself a latte or a cappuccino.

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