Ask Dr. Dumb: Can My Dog Drag Me Along to Faster Race Times?

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Photo by Tucker Good on Unsplash

Friends, I have been a runner for about 28 years now and in all that time not once have I considered using a dog as a performance enhancer. This, despite having owned a dog for the entire second half of those 28 years.

Last week I realized just how small-minded I’ve been.

This realization came via a story out of the UK, summarized thusly by dailymail.co.uk: “Parkrun competitors will be 'banned' from taking part with their dogs attached to a waist belt 'because it makes them faster' …”

For those unfamiliar:

Is there anything to this story? Can dogs yoked to runners really pull those runners along to faster race times? And has anyone bothered asking the dogs what they think? For answers, we turned to our go-to expert on free events and waist-based tethers, Dr. Dumb.

Dumb Runner: Welcome, doctor, and thanks for joining us.
Dr. Dumb: My pleasure.

First, it’s important to note that parkrun is not banning dogs—it’s banning leashes that attach to the owner’s waist.
That’s right. Banning dogs would be virtually unenforceable. For instance, several dogs could conspire to participate by climbing atop each other and wearing a long overcoat.

Event organizers say that such leashes increase “risk of serious incidents” to other competitors and that instead, dogs must be kept on a “short, handheld, non-extendable lead by the side of the participant.”
”Lead” is what English people use for “leash.”

I know. However, some folks believe the real reason that parkrun is banning waist harnesses is that certain participants were calling other participants cheaters because they're “getting some assistance” from their dogs. Can a dog really help a runner go faster?
Yes, conceivably. On the other hand, if your dog is pulling you along, you have to contend with total strangers seeing you and quipping, “WHO’S WALKING WHO? Ha ha!” So you have to ask yourself, Is it worth it?

True story: A few days ago, I was out with our dog for a late afternoon walk whilst enjoying a beer in a stainless steel pint cup.
”Whilst”?

Yes. Anyway, at one point I was forced to hold my beer and the leash in the same hand. Just then, the dog saw a cat and lunged, causing a good third of my beer to slosh out.
That’s awful. What kind of beer?

Fort George Cavatica Stout. And it occurred to me that the whole situation could have been avoided if I’d been using a leash that attaches to the waist.
True. Plus, you could have had a snack in your non-beer hand.

Doctor, I like the way you think. Thank you for joining us today.
Likewise, my friend. Be well, and keep your beer in your cup.