Dog Clueless About Pace, Heart Rate, Foot Strike

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A local dog appears to be oblivious to such running fundamentals as heart rate and foot strike, Dumb Runner has learned, and probably doesn't even understand the concept of pace.

The dog, a mixed breed named Goober, was spotted yesterday trotting alongside his owner as they ran through a public park. At one point, witnesses said, he leapt up to bite his own leash.

The sight inspired pity in several runners who passed the pair.

"Heartbreaking," said one anonymous witness. "This poor animal, running along, completely unaware of what he's doing or why he's doing it."

The dog's eyes, he said, were "vacant" and his tongue was hanging from one side of his open mouth. And apart from a simple collar, the dog wore nothing.

"I can't be sure, because they passed by pretty quickly," said another witness, "but it sure seemed to me like (Goober) wasn't wearing a single piece of compression gear."

"Wasn't wearing a watch, either. Not even a cheap, basic one."

It was clear, onlookers agreed, that the dog's ignorance went well beyond technique and gear and that he was similarly clueless about a wide range of things. Among them: 

• Whether he should run further or faster to boost his cardio
• The dynamic warmup he should do before every workout
• The best time to eat protein
• 7 postrun eating mistakes he's probably making
• 5 ways to fix his postrun recovery
• How his body is secretly sabotaging his sleep
• The fastest way to a stronger core

"Can you imagine?" said a witness. "Running along with no gear, no idea of your pace, no goals, not even an inkling of how many calories you're burning?"

She shook her head.

"That poor creature."