Year in Review: Dumb Runner’s 12 Most Popular Articles of 2018
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Photo by Anastasiya Gepp from Pexels
Hello Friends,
You know, I’ve been writing and publishing running humor for kind of a long time. You’d think by now I’d have a keen sense for what will be popular and what won’t.
This is not the case. Even today, I usually have no clue whether something I share will go over like gangbusters or a lead balloon. Running humor—for me, anyway—is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside a poop joke. Perhaps that is part of the appeal.
Anyway, here are the 12 most popular Dumb Runner articles from the past year, as measured by page views. (Note that not all of these were actually published in 2018.) I’m sharing each one here with a bit of commentary from me, plus an excerpt.
Thank you for reading. Thanks especially to those of you who support our work with pledges and donations. You make this nonsense possible.
Yours Truly,
Mark
12. New Running Shoe Has Kind of Foam Totally Different From Other Kinds of Foam
Like many of the pieces in our Top 12, you can file this one under “Funny Cuz It’s True.” In 2018 the major shoe brands were falling over each other to introduce their own proprietary, revolutionary kind of foam. It got a little absurd, even by major-shoe-brand standards.
From the article:
Carom GeniusBlast FluidFoam contains polymers and also science, the company said. Other running shoes have foam, it said, but not foam like this. This foam is new and better.
Instead of compressing underfoot and then expanding in the same old way, it said, Carom GeniusBlast FluidFoam compresses and expands in a different way.
11. Under Armour Rolls Out 'Performance Diapers' for Runners
It says a lot about runners, I think, that more than one commenter thought this was real. “Where can you get this product?” asked one. “It does not seem to be in the Under Armour site at all.” Another wrote, “WTF! YOU'RE GOING TO RUN WITH 5 POUNDS OF SHIT, FOR 20 PLUS MILES!”
I would submit that if your BMs are tipping the scales at five pounds a pop, you may have issues of your own. But that’s just me.
From the article:
Need to "go" in the starting corral? Go. Have some G.I. distress mid-race? Relax— AbsorBrief®'s got this. Line too long at the post-race porta potties? Hey, guess what? You're WEARING a porta potty.
10. The Runner's Thanksgiving BINGO Card
I published this in November 2015, when Dumb Runner was just weeks old, and it’s been a fan favorite ever since. Bingo!
From the article: (See above.)
9. Monument on Boston Marathon Course Marks Exact Spot Where Kathrine Switzer's Uterus Fell Out
Dumb Runner’s take on an age-old warning to women who run long distances, featuring a truly awful Photoshopped monument of my own creation.
From the article:
Titled "The Fall" and made possible with private donations, the monument was unveiled in a small ceremony earlier this week. It consists of a large bronze statue of a uterus atop a marble base along with a plaque describing the events of April 19, 1967 and praising Switzer as "a running pioneer who defied the establishment—and paid a steep price for it."
8. The Only 3 Things You Need to Know to Begin Running (Really)
The Dumb Runner Manifesto—the closest thing I have to a mission statement—begins with this: “Running should be simple. Period.” That sentiment informs this article, which I wrote back in January 2017 as an antidote to the “firehose of ‘advice’” aimed at new runners. Most of that advice, in my opinion, is needless and counterproductive.
From the article:
Let us repeat that, because it's so important: If you are a new runner, you can and should ignore virtually everything you see, hear, and read about running.
That is good news, because it frees you to focus on a few common-sense, general principles. Remember these three broad guidelines and you'll do just fine. I promise.
7. Gait Analysis Confirms Customer Needs New Shoes, Socks, Jacket, Watch
The gait analysis is pseudoscientific bunk—a cursory “exam,” often performed by folks with little or no training, used to steer customers toward a certain type of shoe that will correct a supposed biomechanical deficiency. (An outdated approach, by the way, that’s been discredited.) This piece is my way of saying that, but in a nicer way.
From the article:
"It's all biomechanics and stuff," said (Runner's Zone salesperson Alex) Vronsky, who has no training in biomechanics. "And we have this little video camera behind the treadmill."
6. 'Running Is Great Because It's So Simple,' Says Guy Wearing $1,170 Worth of Gear
Sometimes the headline tells the whole story. This is one of those times. (Which maybe explains why this piece was so popular?)
From the article:
"Running is elemental," he said. "We were born to run."
"There's something primal about that," he said, stowing his $115 sunglasses in a mesh pocket on his $90 hydration pack.
Did You Know…?
Dumb Runner and The Dumb Digest newsletter are fiercely independent and 100% ad-free. We rely entirely on readers like you for funding. If you value what Dumb Runner provides, please show it with a pledge or donation. Thanks!
5. In Total Coincidence, Man Picks Up Pace at Exact Moment Woman Tries to Pass
I’ve heard women describe this phenomenon for years, so it was no surprise when women especially liked and shared this. Also no surprise: The handful of negative comments I saw all came from men. (“It’s called racing,” said one, via Twitter. When I replied that men have actually coined a word to describe this—being “chicked”—and that it happens not just in races but on everyday training runs, he clammed up.
From the article:
“I guess that was his race plan,” she said. “To run the first 8 miles at 7:50 pace and then pick it up for the final 7 miles. Funny timing, though, that I would be there at the very moment he implemented the plan.”
“I mean, what are the odds?”
4. 'I'm Never Doing This Again,' Says Man Who Will Do This Again
It’s number four on this list, but this might just be the single most relatable thing I’ve ever published on Dumb Runner. Who among us hasn’t experienced this firsthand?
From the article:
Waving off a medical volunteer offering assistance, he then said, "Hoo!" before sitting and then lying on the ground.
"That sucked," he said. "I am never doing this again."
3. Man's Running Shoes Expire in Middle of 5K
Satire identifies some quietly absurd aspect of life or human behavior and amplifies it, often through exaggeration. That’s what I tried to do here, starting with the notion that running shoes have a certain number of miles of “life” in them and taking it to a ridiculous extreme.
From the article:
“If we've said it once, we've said it a thousand times," said Jon Swift, president of the National Association of Running Shoe Manufacturers. "Replace your running shoes every 350 miles."
"If your shoes have 348 miles on them and you decide to go ahead and run a 5K in them," Swift said, "well... do the math."
2. Woman Immediately Regrets Asking Date if He's Ever Run a Marathon
I cannot take full credit for the popularity of this one. Much of it has to go to that stock photo, which, you have to admit, is perfect.
Actually, come to think of it, I’m the one who searched dozens of images and chose that photo. I take it back—I do take full credit for this!
From the article:
Ms. Keaton tried to change the subject at least three times, sources say, but the man repeatedly steered the conversation back to marathons.
"Steamtown is a pretty fast course," he was heard saying as Ms. Keaton asked a server for their check.
1. 11 Terrible Jokes for Runners
Sometimes the best jokes for runners are… jokes for runners. Who knew? A useful reminder to myself not to overthink things.
From the article:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
READ THE FULL STORY!
Thanks again for reading, everyone. Here’s to another year of dumb running humor.
Did You Know…?
Dumb Runner and The Dumb Digest newsletter are fiercely independent and 100% ad-free. We rely entirely on readers like you for funding. If you value what Dumb Runner provides, please show it with a pledge or donation. Thanks!
