Ask Dr. Dumb: How Can I Avoid Being GORED IN THE FACE?
/
depositphotos.com
Readers, life is strange and unpredictable. Now more than ever.
For instance: One minute you’re just out there running, minding your business, and the next minute you’re being GORED IN THE FACE.
What the hell!
Lest you think I’m exaggerating, let me direct your attention to this recent news headline:
Runner Gored in the Face
(My only quibble here, as a professional journalist, is the lack of all-caps. If being GORED IN THE FACE doesn’t merit all-caps, what does?)
To discuss this alarming story, and ways you can avoid being GORED IN THE FACE, we contacted our old friend Dr. Dumb.
Dumb Runner: Doctor, thank you for joining us.
Dr. Dumb: I’m 37.
Sorry. Anyway, thank you.
Happy to be here.
So in addition to all the previous threats that we’ve discussed—including moose, cows, ostriches, parasitic brain worms, really muscly kangaroos, and snakes falling from the sky—it seems runners now must worry about being GORED IN THE FACE.
Well, maybe. Before we move on I should point out that this particular story is from the San Fermin festival in Pamplona, Spain, which hosts the annual Running of the Bulls.
What!
Yes. In fact, that’s made clear in the full version of the headline: “Runner Gored in the Face and 12 Others Injured at San Fermin Bull-Running Festival in Pamplona.” Did you not notice that last part?
I’m a busy man. I don’t have time to read 100% of every headline.
OK. But just to be clear, the runners in this story aren’t really runners. You know?
Hey—if you run, you’re a runner.
Fair enough.
Now I’m guessing your number one tip for runners who want to avoid being GORED IN THE FACE is to avoid the Running of the Bulls.
Correct. I would take that one step further, in fact, and encourage runners to avoid bulls in general.
Solid advice. But, as I said in the intro, we live in strange and unpredictable times. So what if a runner does happen to encounter a bull?
You mean, like, if they’re trying to get to the Coachella Valley for a carrot festival and wind up instead in a bullfighting arena, because they didn’t take a left turn at Albuquerque?
Exactly the scenario I had in mind, yes.
Well, I would recommend using your wits and whatever materials are at hand to subdue the bull. For example, baiting the bull with a red cape that’s concealing a large anvil. Or arranging an elaborate booby trap for the bull, involving a drum of axle grease, a wooden ramp, sandpaper, matches, and a large, red explosive labeled “TNT.”
Any other dated pop culture references you’d like to shoehorn in here before we wrap up?
Yes. According to Wikipedia, certain breeds of cattle are preferred for bullfighting, “such as the toro bravo in Spain”—a name that made me think immediately of “Macho Grande.”
As in, “Over Macho Grande?”
No, I don’t think I’ll ever get over Macho Grande. Those wounds run pretty deep.
Doctor, thank you once more for joining us, and stay safe out there.
Surely.
