Trump Signs Executive Order Barring Triathlon Transitions
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President Trump today signed an executive order to stop triathlon transitions, Dumb Runner has learned—the latest in an unprecedented flurry of such orders in the first few months of his second term.
Trump announced the news on Truth Social, his social media network, writing:
“By signing this Executive Order I am bringing our beautiful Triathalon (sic) back, once again making it a truly great and FAIR thing as opposed to the EXTREME RADICAL LEFT night mare that it had become. TRANS has no place in tri-athlon (sic) or ANYWHERE ELSE!! God Bless the USA!!!!!”
Based on that post and a subsequent exchange with reporters, It was unclear whether Trump knows what a triathlon is. Even his most diehard supporters seemed to acknowledge that Trump might be misinterpreting the word transition in this instance.
“He may not be able to name all three sports that constitute a triathlon, or what transition means in that particular context, and that’s OK,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “The president is a ‘big picture’ guy.”
“But he does know one thing,” Johnson added. “And that’s that the woke agenda of the extreme radical left is over in this great nation.”
Asked for comment during a news conference later in the morning, White House spokesperson Karoline Leavitt said, “The president, who was elected in a landslide, has a clear mandate from the American people to do exactly what he’s doing—eliminating the extreme radical left agenda everywhere he finds it.”
Reminded by a reporter that Trump, who got a razor-thin plurality of the vote last November, did not win in a landslide and does not have a mandate in any meaningful sense of the word, Leavitt declared the reporter a “violent gang member” and had her escorted from the room.
For their part, event directors and triathletes themselves were left puzzled.
“I’m not sure what, if anything, to do with this information,” said one race organizer, who requested anonymity to avoid being targeted by the White House and abducted by unidentified masked federal agents in front of his wife and small children, leaving them traumatized forever, before being flown to an out-of-state prison and held indefinitely in a sort of extrajudicial limbo.
“Maybe buying some $TRUMP meme coin will help.”
