Ask Dr. Dumb: How Should I Handle Excitable Sausage Dogs?
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Folks, trying to follow the news lately can feel like drinking from a firehose, and by “lately” I mean, “the past several years, or maybe decades, who even knows anymore,” and by “firehose” I mean “the kind of firehose that gushes not water but bile.” So you could be forgiven for missing the story of the excitable sausage dog, the off-duty cop, and the runner.
I won’t elaborate any further except to say that the story, out of England, was reported earlier this month and that I immediately knew that this was a topic tailor-made for a certain in-house expert.
Dumb Runner: Dr. Dumb, welcome back.
Dr. Dumb: Thank you, and may I just say, in light of today’s subject: Cor blimey!
Yes. So, bring our readers up to speed here.
Right. Earlier this year, according to a story at LiverpoolEcho.co.uk, an off-duty police constable named PC Bate allegedly “grabbed (an) unnamed complainant and shouted words to the effect of ‘I will f***ing knock you out.’”
Cor blimey!
Exactly.
Do you think those asterisks are masking the word fucking?
Probably, though remember that this is England we’re talking about, so who knows what crazy words they might use?
What prompted this passionate response?
Again, from that same story: “The complainant had been out for a run … when a dog—a dachshund called Max owned by PC Bate—had run between his legs. The complainant said he shouted to the off-duty officer to put his dog on the lead as he didn't want to kick it.”
I assume that lead means leash?
You’re fucking right it does.
Did the off-duty constable also threaten to “flatten” the runner?
He sure did, as noted in this BBC article on the same story.
Did that make you think immediately of this…?
It did! It also made me wonder whether, if the constable had flattened the runner, he would have mailed him somewhere in a large envelope, with an egg-salad sandwich and a cigarette case full of milk for sustenance.
Does “Flat Stanley” take place in England?
Yes. That’s why in the U.S., the book is titled “Apartment Stanley.”
How does that BBC article refer to Max, the dachshund at the heart of this story?
The BBC calls Max an "excitable sausage dog.”
That may be the best part of this story.
I agree.
On to some practical questions: One, should readers be worried about having similar encounters during their runs? And if so, how should they navigate them?
That depends on where those readers live. If they live pretty much anywhere but the U.S., they should feel free to demand that dog owners put their dogs on leashes. It’s safer for everyone, including the dog, and it’s often the law.
And if they live in the U.S.?
If they live in the U.S., they should be aware that the dog owner might very well be carrying a loaded handgun, and proceed accordingly. They should also know that they might be shot randomly, even in the absence of an angry dog owner.
Cor blimey!
Exactly.
Doctor, thank you for your time. We’ll see you again soon.
Stay excitable, sausage dog.
