Ask Dr. Dumb: Can Beef Improve My Performance?

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Readers, we don’t know how this happened but we realized recently that it’s been nearly four months since we last spoke with our good friend and trusted advisor, Dr. Dumb. (Ask Dr. Dumb: Will Ambien Make Me a Racist Runner?, May 30, 2018.)

What can we say? Time got away from us.

Anyway, we are pleased to welcome Dr. Dumb back, today, for a very important discussion about beef. Should you eat it? If so, how often and in what form? And, most important, how will it affect your running—will it improve your performance, or worsen it?

Dumb Runner: Dr. Dumb, welcome back. It’s been a while.
Dr. Dumb: Yes it has.

So, beef. Should you eat it? If so, how often and in what form? And, most important, how will it affect your running—will it improve your performance, or worsen it?
Whoa, whoa, whoa—one question at a time!

Sorry. I’m just so excited to talk about beef.
And for good reason. Beef is tremendous for runners.

In what way?
In every way! It’s delicious and versatile and—to answer your question—it will improve your performance. Especially if you are a marathon runner.

What’s your source on that?
My source on that is a story from Tri-State Livestock News, titled Beef Improves Performance of Marathon Runner.

Sounds like a legitimate source.
I get most of my cattle-related news from them.

Does the story in question include a quote with the phrase "I've ran three half marathons”?
It does, which is unfortunate. But don’t let that distract from the larger message, which is that beef will improve your performance as a marathon runner.

What is it about beef that’s so amazing?
Beef delivers protein, iron, and B vitamins, among other vital nutrients. Also it’s a terrific source of marbling.

In your expert opinion, should runners eat fewer carbs and more beef?
Absolutely. In fact, in light of this report I’m recommending that runners skip carb-loading before a marathon and instead try beef-loading. Instead of energy gels during your race, ingest packets of beef. And at the postrace party, forgo the beer and have a pint of beef.

That’s a lot of beef.
If beef improves performance, more beef equals more performance. That’s just science.

Do you have a favorite beef dish?
It’s hard to pick just one! I love a good grilled wedge steak. Flange kebabs are great. For me, though, nothing beats a nice roast chornk.

I’ve never heard of any of those.
They’re all common cuts of beef. For reference, here’s a chart:

In closing, I have just one more question: Is Meatball a good name for a dog?
Yes. It’s also a great way to refer affectionately to a big, goofy man.

Thank you for your time, doctor.
You’re welcome. Eat more beef, ya big meatball!