HARSH! This Runner Got a 10-Year Ban From Competition Just Because No One Likes Him Very Much
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A local runner who has never failed a drug test or violated any other rules of competition has been barred from racing for a decade, Dumb Runner has learned—merely because no one likes him.
The highly unusual ban, against 25-year-old Navin R. Johnson, is effective immediately, said a statement by USA Track & Field, the sport’s governing body.
“While true that Mr. Johnson has not broken any rules, per se, he is, by all accounts, an insufferable asshole,” the statement read. “Therefore we are imposing a 10-year ban from USATF-sanctioned competition.”
The statement went on to say that Johnson can appeal the decision, “which he probably will, as annoyingly as possible, given what a tool he is.” It did not detail the offenses that led to the ban.
Many runners, race officials, and even event volunteers were quick to applaud the move.
“I’m so happy to hear this,” one local runner, who requested anonymity, told Dumb Runner. “Races will be so much better for the next 10 years.”
“Every time I show up for a race and see [Johnson], I shudder,” said another. “I’ve actually lined up way behind where I should, at the start, just to avoid having to be near him.”
Asked for examples of Johnson’s bad behavior, one race director demurred.
“It’s less about specific things he does, and more about his overall demeanor,” she said. “He’s just kind of a jerk. You know?”
Johnson did return a call for comment, which we frankly wish he hadn’t.
