In Time-Saving Move, Nation’s Race Directors Pledge to Send Cheap Shirts and Medals Directly to Landfills

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In a move aimed at saving time and energy for hundreds of thousands of runners, a large group of event directors has pledged to ship shoddy race shirts and finisher medals directly to landfills, rather than handing them out to participants.

The change is expected to take effect in January 2023.

“This decision will streamline a clunky and inefficient process that has been the industry standard for far too long,” said Caroll Spinney, a spokesperson for the Organization of State and County Administrators of Road Races (OSCARR), whose members organize running races in all 50 states. “In the past, race directors would order cases of chintzy shirts and crappy medals, distribute them to runners one at a time, and then have to deal with whatever surplus was left over.”

“Concurrently,” Spinney continued, “each runner would take that crap home and either throw it away immediately or hang on to it for weeks, months, or years, eventually and inevitably tossing it and having it wind up in a dump or landfill God-knows-where.”

Spinney said the group’s new method will “cut out the middleman” by having those cases of product sent to landfills direct from the manufacturers.

Upon hearing the news, most runners praised the move—though some expressed reservations.

“Love it,” said a runner on Twitter identified only as Grover. “This will be so much more efficient.”

“What?” wrote another. “But what if I want my race shirt?”

Addressing that concern, Spinney assured naysayers that the group’s new policy would affect only “subpar” merchandise.

“We’re talking, like, those thick Gildan tees or generic polyester ‘tech’ shirts that are itchy and don’t fit well,” he said. “Rest assured, if the event offers a nice shirt—like Boston’s long-sleeved shirts from Adidas—you’ll still get it.”

Asked about the environmental impact of the new policy, Spinney said the group will make every effort to minimize its carbon footprint.

“For example,” he said, “we’ll ensure that each box of crap is sent to the landfill or floating garbage island nearest to the manufacturing facility, and not to one 200 miles away or in China or something.”

”We only have one Earth, after all.”