Report: F*** It, 3 Miles Fine For Today
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A new study obtained by Dumb Runner finds that, you know what, fuck it—three miles is fine for today. The study, written by me, also concludes that 3:15 p.m. is not too early for a beer.
“Why not?” writes the author, a longtime runner and veteran of 28 marathons. “Seriously, though.”
The study, set to be published in next week’s Journal of Mark Remy, followed its subject for eight weeks. At the outset, a typical run for the subject measured, on average, 5.5 miles. By the end of the eight-week period, which ended Friday, May 1, the average distance of each run was just 2.9 miles and he was sometimes going for two, three, or even four consecutive days without running at all.
“Which is OK by me,” according to the study. “I mean, fuck it. You do what you can and you move on. Three miles is three miles and it’s better than nothing with all this other shit happening.”
The other shit, the study explains, includes a number of coronavirus pandemic-related stressors: Shelter-in-place rules with no end in sight; fears that some states are reopening prematurely, while testing for COVID-19 remains inadequate; feelings of profound helplessness; economic uncertainty; and escalating tensions surrounding distance learning for the subject’s two young children, who, the report notes, have really been pretty well behaved through this thing, they’re troupers, God bless ’em, but still, they’ve got, like seven different apps for math alone and they each have their own log-ins and nonsense names like “K’ZAPP” but with icons that bear no relation to the name or purpose of the app, like a fucking hedgehog or something.
“I mean, cripes,” says the study.
Reached for comment, the study’s author was cracking open a second beer to take into the shower, because why not?
