Satan Pleased With Success of ‘Holiday Run’ Campaign
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Satan, Prince of Darkness and Ruler of the Underworld, said today he’s “really quite happy” with the proliferation of holiday runs—a trend that he’s been encouraging for decades.
His so-called December Project, Lucifer told reporters via Skype, was launched in the late 1970s with the goal of replacing traditional Christmas-themed road races with generic “holiday” events. It’s part of a broader campaign known in our terrestrial world, he said, as the War on Christmas.
“While you human runners have been distracted by shoe trends and marathon world records and that whole Salazar thing,” said the Master of the Eternally Damned, “my minions and I have been quietly erasing Christ from your Christmas runs.”
“It’s all proceeding according to plan,” he added, cackling over untold billions of screams in the background.
The data, said the Harvester of Lost Souls, back him up: As recently as 1980, nearly 70% of December races in the U.S. had the word “Christ” or “Jesus” or “God” in them; today, fewer than 5% do. It’s a trend few runners are even aware of, said Satan—and that’s by design.
“Today, who even remembers Atlanta’s huge Christmastime Jesus Jog 10K?” he said “Or the Jesus-Son-of-God Gallop, in Indianapolis?”
“No one. That’s who.”
He then cackled once more, as flames flared behind him and lightning shot from his gnarled, clawlike hands.
Satan ended the video call by wishing everyone “happy holidays.”
