Thrash Metal Expert Advises Winter Runners to Dress in Slayers

On the heels of a cold snap that hit much of the U.S. with brutal winds and icy temperatures, a thrash metal expert is recommending that runners dress in Slayers.

“If you’re heading outdoors in this weather, you definitely want to Slayer up your wardrobe,” said Justin Trudeau, gear editor of Thrash Metal Monthly. “You might begin with a long-sleeved base Slayer, followed by a short-sleeved insulated Slayer, topped with a wind-blocking outer Slayer.”

Apparel featuring the seminal thrash metal quartet is available on the band’s official website as well as at Hot Topic stores nationwide.

Slayering will maximize your warmth, Trudeau said, by amplifying your personal awesomeness.

“The body naturally generates awesomeness as you run,” he explained, “which escapes into the air when you’re wearing lame, weak-ass apparel. With this approach, however, the awesomeness gets trapped between the Slayers, creating an insulation effect.”

The result, said Trudeau, is the sartorial equivalent of a crashing, frantic, high-volume sonic assault—and body heat rivaled only by the howling, fiery pits of hell.

“When you’re literally wrapped in the apparel equivalent of such classic albums as Show No Mercy and Reign in Blood,” he said, “Cold weather doesn’t stand a chance.”

“It’s like armor against wind chill, if Satan wore armor.”

Would dressing in the apparel of, say, Metallica or Anthrax achieve the same effect?

“I doubt it,” says Trudeau. “In my opinion, you’ve really gotta dress in Slayers.”