Here’s How Runners Can Dodge Political Talk This Thanksgiving
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Readers, back in 2016 I brought you an article titled Here's How Runners Can Dodge Trump Talk This Thanksgiving, in which I wrote:
As a runner, you probably have a talent for turning just about any conversation into a conversation about running in general, and your running in particular. With a little preparation, you can use this talent to great effect at the Thanksgiving table.
It was (and remains) a very popular article. Huge! Many people are saying it has the biggest traffic numbers in history, numbers that would make your head spin, that’s what I’m told. Recently a military officer—big guy, many medals, very tough character—came up to me, with tears in his eyes, the guy was crying, and told me, “Sir,” he said, “sir, thank you for doing what you do. Thank you for the satire.” Very amazing and beautiful moment.
But I digress.
Today, things are more polarized than ever—and, it seems, on more fronts than ever. And so I figured it was time for an update. See below.
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Potentially Explosive Remark: “We’ve gotta get this Critical Race Theory out of our schools.”
Your Response: “Hey, speaking of races and criticism—did you hear about that marathon that turned out to be, like, half a mile short? All these people who thought they’d run a PR or qualified for Boston were SUPER critical of the race director after that! Ha ha!”
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Potentially Explosive Remark: “Biden’s massive spending bill is gonna blow up the deficit.”
Your Response: “Hoo boy, you want to talk about blowing up? You should have seen me around mile 19 of my last marathon. It was not pretty.”
Bonus Extension: “Unlike this lovely centerpiece, which is so pretty. Did you make this yourself?”
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Potentially Explosive Remark: “This whole COVID thing is a hoax.”
Your Response: “Oh my gosh I LOVE my Hokas. What’s that? Oh, sorry, I thought you said ‘Hokas.’ It’s a brand of running shoes. I’m wearing a pair now, see?” (This one works only if you’re wearing Hokas.)
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Potentially Explosive Remark: “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.”
Your Response: “You know who strikes me as a really good guy? Eliud Kipchoge.” (Followed by minutes-long explanation of who Eliud Kipchoge is.)
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Potentially Explosive Remark: “Thanks to these supply chain problems, we’re paying more for everything. Thanks, Biden.”
Your Response: “I don’t know much about supply chains, but I do know that my running has really improved since I started strengthening my posterior chain. Seriously. What a difference.”
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Potentially Explosive Remark: “The ‘woke left’ is hell-bent on destroying America.”
Your Response: “You think that’s bad? I woke at 5:30 this morning so I would have time to squeeze in a run before getting to work in the kitchen. The only thing I’m hell-bent on now is napping!”
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Potentially Explosive Remark: “Abortion stops a beating heart.”
Your Response: “Funny story: Every time I go to the doctor or whatever and a nurse checks my vitals, they say, ‘Wow, your heart rate is really low, you must be a runner,’ and I’m, like, ‘Ha ha, guilty as charged.’ Because when you’re really fit, you have a low heart rate. Here. Put your finger on my wrist.”
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Potentially Explosive Remark: “The election was stolen.”
Your Response: “I think I’m going to elect to steal another piece of pie. Later I’ll have a run-off! Get it?”
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Potentially Explosive Remark: “Fauci is a liar.”
Your Response: “Fun fact: Anthony Fauci a runner. Dude is 80 years old and still gets out there 3.5 miles a day. Running is great because it’s like a mental and emotional safety valve. If I didn’t run before a big family gathering, for instance, it would be much harder for me to restrain myself after hearing certain comments from certain people at the table. Can someone please pass the potatoes?”
