Readers, this year's Thanksgiving comes just two weeks after what was easily the most wrenching, contentious, polarizing, hysterical, infuriating, nauseating emotional roller coaster of an election in modern American history.
The good news is, that's all behind us.
HAHAHAHAHA! Sorry. Excuse us while we laugh so hard we pee a little bit of blood. Of course that's not behind us.
If anything, the wrenching, contention, division, polarization, hysteria, infuriation, and nausea have all gotten worse, and there's no end in sight. It's like the emotional roller coaster has gone haywire and cannot stop whipping us around and around and around, possibly because it was hacked. (By Russia? Maybe!)
This means that the usual political talk at Thanksgiving will be a lot more unpleasant this year.
Or will it?
As a runner, you probably have a talent for turning just about any conversation into a conversation about running in general, and your running in particular. With a little preparation, you can use this talent to great effect at the Thanksgiving table.
The trick is to interject immediately upon hearing a potentially explosive remark, redirecting before things have a chance to escalate. Think of it as verbal judo. In between bites of green bean casserole.
To pull this off, you'll need to be prepared. Here are a few lines that might come in handy.
Potentially Explosive Remark: "So. Trump is already backing off his promise to build a wall."
Your Response: "Oh, man! You wanna talk about walls, let me tell you about my last marathon. Everything was fine until around mile 18..."
Potentially Explosive Remark: "Trump is going to make America great again."
Your Response: "Hey! You know what's going great for me? My training. Last week I did these Yasso 800s, and they were just, like, bang! Bang! Bang! Spot on. Anyway, who wants more sweet potatoes?"
Potentially Explosive Remark: "I can't wait to see how Trump deals with ISIS."
Your Response: "My running buddy ices. Her Achilles, after every run. Like, as a preventative thing. Isn't that crazy? Ha ha! But, I guess if it works for her..."
Potentially Explosive Remark: "Why does everything have to be about race?"
Your Response: "Speaking of races, my Turkey Trot this morning was pretty great. You guys should really try to make it next year. There's one guy who always dresses as a pilgrim. With the hat and everything."
Potentially Explosive Remark: "I don't believe anything the liberal media says."
Your Response: "You know what was definitely not liberal, turns out? The amount of Vaseline I used on my crotch before my last long run. Ouch! Guys, take it from me—you wanna really slather that stuff on. Do not be shy."
Potentially Explosive Remark: "I voted for Trump because I'm sick of these elites running everything."
Your Response: "Oh, you wanna talk about elites—I got to meet Molly Huddle at the expo before the New York City Marathon this year, and OH MY GOD she is so nice."
Potentially Explosive Remark: "Trump's going to bring back American manufacturing jobs."
Your Response: "Fun fact: Did you know that New Balance still makes some running shoes here in the U.S.?"
Potentially Explosive Remark: "I heard New Balance backed Trump recently."
Your Response: "HEY! WHO WANTS MORE PIE?"
RELATED: The Runner's Thanksgiving BINGO Card