In Multibillion-Dollar Deal, Strava Acquires Users’ Eternal Souls
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Left: Depositphotos.com
Strava, the popular fitness app for cyclists and runners, this week reached an agreement to acquire the eternal souls of its users, Dumb Runner has learned—a deal thought to be worth $3.5 billion.
The transaction is believed to be the first of its kind in the tech world, where companies usually acquire other companies and not “the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life.”
“We are thrilled to announce our latest acquisition—the very timeless spirit of each and every one of our users,” the company said in a statement posted online. “Strava already boasted the world’s largest fitness community; now, we’ll have the world’s largest collection of that ineffable, eternal spark inside all human beings, infinitely more holy and more enduring than these crude husks we briefly inhabit, made of flesh, bone, and blood.”
“It’s a very exciting time.”
Strava claims “over 150 million athletes in more than 185 countries,” according to its website; that would put the value assigned to each soul at roughly $23.
It remains unclear why a fitness tech brand like Strava would want human souls, or what, if anything, it has planned for them, beyond a vague statement that this move would “create incredible value for [Strava’s] shareholders.”
Also unclear is how any transfer of souls would occur, or whether users would be able to opt out—though a careful reading of Strava’s terms and conditions revealed a phrase, apparently newly added, stating that “Users agree to surrender their spiritual essence, now and forever.”
Reached for comment, a Strava spokesperson laughed maniacally.
