Basic Features Will Remain Free, Strava Reassures Pathetic Cheapskates
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Strava, the popular fitness app for cyclists and runners, faced a backlash this week when it announced a major shift to its business model that emphasizes a $5-a-month subscription service. In response, the company has issued a statement reassuring parasitic freeloaders not to worry.
“While it’s true that certain complex features will no longer be free, any pathetic cheapskates out there will still have access to a basic version of Strava for free,” the company said. “Because God forbid you people should actually, you know, pony up and actually pay a few bucks for something you value.”
“We have a staff of 180 people, who we have to pay salaries and benefits and stuff, not to mention providing doughnuts every Friday and free coffee, and huge monthly bills for things like rent and utilities and server space, and we still aren’t turning a profit after 11 years in business despite working our asses off,” the statement continued, “all so you can have this cool thing on your phone that you use constantly.”
“But, yeah, don’t worry. If you can’t bring yourself to pay five lousy bucks a month for that, you won’t have to.”
The statement went on to mention a few things that users might already be spending $5 a month on, such as a couple of energy bars, a large coffee drink, used paperbacks, two dozen day-old doughnuts, shoelaces, a two-pack of Sharpies, a fancy bar of soap that smells like lavender, or most of a copy of the Sunday New York Times.
The nation’s miserly ingrates responded with relief.
“I’m still not happy that Strava is removing certain features from its free version, but at least they’ll still have a free version,” said John Elwes, 34, a longtime runner who’s been using and loving Strava for nearly five years without paying a nickel for it.
“Things should be free,” he added.
