Scientists at Gatorade Sports Science Institute Pretty Fucking Sick of Gatorade
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Background image via depositphotos.com
Scientists at the Gatorade Sports Science Institute announced today that they are pretty fucking sick of Gatorade, Dumb Runner has learned.
“Everything is ‘Gatorade this, Gatorade that,’ blah-blah-blah,” the scientists said in a public statement. “This is our life, every single day, week after week, month after month, year after year.”
“Frankly,” they said, “at this point we are pretty fucking sick of Gatorade.”
“This is our life, every single day, week after week, month after month, year after year.”
The Gatorade Sports Science Institute, based in Barrington, Illinois, describes itself as devoted to “sports science research, education and testing athletes to help them get the most out of their bodies.”
Gatorade, the scientists said in their statement, is impossible to avoid during their workdays.
“By which we mean both the word Gatorade and the actual product,” they said. “Oh, did we say product? We meant products, plural, because Gatorade offers, like, a million fucking products, flavors, and varieties.”
“This shit is everywhere,” they said, referring to Gatorade products. “I’m surprised [Gatorade executives] haven’t put it in the drinking fountains.”
Even sleep offers no respite, the statement went on to say, noting that many GSSI scientists dream of Gatorade; some, it said, suffer nightmares.
“One of us has a recurring dream where she is drowning in a vat of Riptide Rush, and when she screams for help, a giant, walking Gatorade bottle shows up and throws her a life preserver, but when she touches it, the life preserver turns into a case of Gatorlyte Strawberry Kiwi and it pulls her under,” the statement said. “The giant bottle just stands there, looking down, watching her die.”
“How messed up is that?”
“If we never see another capital ‘G’ or another lightning bolt symbol, ever again, for the rest of our lives, it will be too soon,” they said.
Reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Gatorade Sports Science Institute offered Dumb Runner a 20% off promo code for Gatorade.com, which Dumb Runner grudgingly accepted.
