Local Man Not Feeling So Well After Consuming Steady Diet of Junk for Several Decades
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Gastrointestinal distress hit a local man hard yesterday, sending him to his couch for the better part of the afternoon, Dumb Runner has learned.
John Hurt, 54, spent hours grimacing and writhing in pain as his family looked on, helpless.
“I don’t feel so good,” Hurt said. “It must have been something I ate.”
For most of his adult life, sources said, Hurt has consumed a steady diet of fried foods, chips, snack cakes, frozen dinners, stuffed-crust pizza, highly processed meats, candy, soda, and fast food. Often, they said, Hurt will snack mindlessly even when he isn’t hungry.
The married father of three visits Arby’s three times a week on average, the sources added, and once consumed an entire bucket of KFC chicken. He eats fruits and vegetables mostly just in social situations, they said, “to be polite.”
At the time of publication, Hurt was still puzzling over the source of his intestinal discomfort, which even casual observers noted was clearly the result of decades’ worth of poor dietary decisions made not just consciously but with enthusiasm.
“Oh, man,” Hurt said, groaning. “What did I do to deserve this?”
