Sad, Lonely Man Begins Frozen Pizza Roll-Loading for Marathon

A local sad, lonely man is preparing for his upcoming marathon by resting, tapering his mileage, and loading up on frozen pizza rolls.

“They’re filling, and easy to make,” said Steve Dunne, a 27-year-old bachelor who lives with his cat in a fifth-floor walkup studio. “You just dump them on a baking sheet and bake them at 425 for about 10 minutes.”

“Well, actually I need to set my oven to 450 because it runs cool—something’s wrong with it—and the super hasn’t come to fix it yet, even though I’ve left him, like, three messages.”

He sighed.

“Anyway, I eat a lot of pizza rolls.”

With his race just days away, Dunne said he’s eating more frozen pizza rolls than usual, noting that each serving has 30 grams of carbs.

“I like to mix it up,” he added. “Sometimes I get classic pepperoni. Other times, cheese or sausage.”

A few nights ago, noted Dunne, he “got a little crazy” and tried the triple meat variety.

Frozen pizza rolls are ideal for him, said Dunne, because they keep indefinitely and he can dole out as many or as few as he wants at any given time.

“The package says a serving size is six rolls,” he said, “which is crazy, because I usually eat at least 10 and even more when I’m loading up for a big race.”

Dunne also said that pizza rolls are great for sharing and perfect when unexpected guests show up.

“Or so I hear,” he said.