Thousands Defy God by Failing to Rest on the Sabbath
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Tens of thousands of people gathered Sunday to run marathons around the world, Dumb Runner has learned, in open defiance of God’s order to remember the Sabbath and keep it holy.
The runners, thought to number between 70,000 and 100,000 collectively, appeared to be either unaware of the deity’s directive or unconcerned about flouting it.
Equally blithe were the similarly high number of spectators, goading on the sinners with such phrases as “looking good!” and “you got this!”
The theological admonition to rest on the Sabbath, which is Sunday for most Christians, derives from the Ten Commandments, as found in the Bible and on the walls of Texas public schools.
As described in the book of Exodus, the full commandment reads:
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the LORD your God. In it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.
Reached for comment on the runners’ behavior, God expressed frustration.
“What the hell?” said the eternal, all-powerful being. “My words could not have been more clear.”
“What is a marathon, if not work?” He added. “It sure isn’t ‘resting,’ I’ll tell you that.”
“I mean, why do I even bother?”
By contrast, the runners themselves seemed unfazed.
“The race was on a Sunday,” said Emily Bernstein, 36, an avid runner who finished her seventh marathon over the weekend. “I don’t see the problem.”
“Same here,” said Muhammad Al-Ibrahim, 44, a longtime marathoner who ran in the same race.
Asked whether he was considering smiting anyone over the issue, God said no.
“If I smote everyone who broke a commandment, I’d do nothing but smite all day,” He said. “And who has time for that?”
“It just kind of sucks, you know?”
