Ask Dr. Dumb: My Running Shoes Make Embarrassing Noises; Should I Sue?
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Readers, do you make embarrassing noises when you walk and/or run? I sure do—groans, grunts, wheezes, yelps, farts of every description, you name it.
My shoes, however, do not. They’re usually fairly quiet.
Not so for a group of customers suing On, the Swiss running shoe maker. They have filed a class action lawsuit claiming that their On shoes cause "a noisy and embarrassing squeak" when they walk.
According to federal court documents filed on Oct. 9 in the U.S. District Court for the District of Oregon, where On's North American headquarters is located, the plaintiffs allege they bought shoes from the company that contain materials that rub together, "causing a noisy and embarrassing squeak with each and every step."
Upset customers have complained about the squeaking issue, but On has refused to compensate them, according to the lawsuit. The class and their lawyers allege that instead, customers who have encountered the squeaking issue have been forced to fix it themselves by making "significant DIY modifications to the shoe."
This raises a host of questions, accompanied by a funny slide-whistle sound effect to signify “rising.” To explore those questions, I turned to our go-to expert on embarrassing squeaks and Swiss footwear, Dr. Dumb.
Dumb Runner: Doctor, thank you for joining us.
Dr. Dumb: Thank you for having me, despite the persistently low traffic these Q&A’s generate.
Some things are more important than traffic. Anyway, what’s the deal with this lawsuit?
According to news reports, back in February these customers tried without success to get refunds from On. So they filed this lawsuit, I guess, as a final attempt to get justice.
And by “justice,” you mean “cash,” right?
Well, yeah. How do you define “justice”?
So they want their money back.
Yes, but they also want a jury trial “to determine damages they believe they're owed for the squeaking issue.”
Damages.
Yes. Damages.
If it comes to that, do you think these customers’ lawyer, at some point during the trial, will ask, “Your honor, may I approach the bench?” and then as they walk toward the judge they’ll be wearing On shoes that will make embarrassing squeaks that reverberate through the courtroom, causing everyone to gasp and murmur and the judge to bellow, “Order! Order in the court!” and then to tell the lawyer, “Counselor, you are on very thin ice; pull another stunt like that and I will have you removed”?
Yes.
The article I referenced earlier mentions that some On customers have had to resort to DIY remedies, “such as rubbing coconut oil into the holes of the CloudTec midsole.” Do you recommend using coconut oil onto noisy shoes?
You can try that, sure. Just don’t apply the oil to the soles of your shoes. Trust me on that one.
How’s your leg, by the way?
Healing nicely. Doctor says the cast might come off in two more weeks. Thanks for asking.
If other products I own make embarrassing noises, can I sue the companies that make those products, too?
It is your duty as an American.
Putting the legalities aside for a moment, I have to ask: What’s the big deal, really, with having running shoes that squeak?
They’re useless for sneaking up on people, for starters.
That’s why they aren’t called sneakers.
Ooh, that’s good—you should send that line to the lawyers for On!
Finally, doctor, what’s next for this lawsuit?
If I had to guess, I’d say that it will make its way through whatever paperwork-choked process these things involve, with letters and meetings and so on, for another few months, until the folks at On tell their lawyers, “Fuck this, just pay these assholes a few hundred bucks and let’s move on.”
You think On executives use language like that?
Well, it would be in French or something. So it would sound nicer.
Fair enough. Thank you for your time, doctor.
De rien—à plus tard, connard.
