Dedicated Runner Heads Outdoors Despite Record Heat, Poor Air Quality, Mysterious Green Light Emitted From Dozens of Massive Alien Spaceships Hovering Over Midwestern States
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Blistering temperatures and low air quality hasn’t kept one local runner from logging her outdoor miles—nor, Dumb Runner has learned, has the eerie green glow emanating from a fleet of hulking alien spacecraft parked over several Midwestern states.
Elizabeth Phair, 38, ran six miles early this morning, she said, despite those conditions.
“It wasn’t ideal,” Phair told Dumb Runner. “But I’ve gotta get my miles in. That’s my ‘me’ time.”
Experts have urged people to stay indoors under such conditions, noting that extreme heat and poor air quality, often from drifting wildfire smoke, can pose real hazards even for fit adults.
They have also stressed that the recent arrival of the alien spacecraft has added a new layer of potential risk. At least 68 ships, each a black slab around the size of eight city blocks, are hovering now in the skies above Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin, Michigan, and Minnesota. The ships began emitting pulsing, lime-green waves of light Monday morning. Scientists have scrambled to analyze the light, fearing it could be harmful.
None of that fazes Phair, an avid runner who’s training for a fall marathon.
“I’m a runner; I’m tough,” she said. “I’m not going to let something like weather stop me, or some smoky air, or the unearthly glow from a fleet of hulking UFOs darkening our skies, whose intentions are unknown.”
”I mean, I have a 50-mile week coming up,” she added. “No way am I doing that on a treadmill.”
Reached for comment, the occupants of a spaceship looming over Chicago paralyzed Dumb Runner for a period of 20 seconds, during which time Dumb Runner glimpsed the ineffable vastness of space and time, afterward collapsing in tears.
