EXCLUSIVE: Full Transcript of Non-Runners' Houston Marathon Commentary

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Commentator 1: “I’m not a runner. Are you a runner?”

Commentator 2: “I’m not a runner.”

—Actual live commentary from Sunday’s Houston Marathon, via Twitter/@JoeKlecker

After viewing a 3-second video clip of the on-air exchange above, Dumb Runner obtained the full transcript of the commentators’ remarks. To protect the identity of the commentators (who are not runners), I am referring to them here as Abbie and Costelle.

Abbie: So, here we are at the Houston… uh… What’s this thing called again?

Costelle: Microphone?

No, not what I’m holding. I mean the event.

Oh! Marathon.

Marathon! Yes, thank you.

That’s right, Abbie, we are bringing you live coverage of today’s Houston Marathon, where some truly amazing athletes are putting their tennis shoes to the test with 20 miles—otherwise known as 5K—of running.

All that pounding cannot be good for their knees, Costelle.

Absolutely not, which is why I’m not a runner. Are you a runner?

I’m not a runner.

Me neither! Weird that the network would put us on this assignment.

You said it, Costelle. And speaking of weird: Here we have a young lady holding a big American flag. Looks like her name is… Sara?

Whoever she is, she sure looks happy.

She certainly does. I wonder why.

Hard to say, Abbie, but I would imagine her husband is running the race and she’s here to cheer him on.

Well, good for her. And she’s even dressed up like a runner. Just as cute as the dickens!

She sure is. She’s gotta be freezing, though—temps here in Houston are in the upper 30s, which is just terrible weather for a race like this. So cold!

You’ve got that right, Costelle. The folks out on the race course are surely wishing they had some sunny skies and temperatures in the 70s or 80s right about now.

Or at least some heavy parkas or something.

I like yours, by the way.

Thank you. Oh, and here’s another shot of the woman holding the big flag. Look at that smile!

She’s prettier when she smiles.

What woman isn’t? Hey, by the way, Costelle—do they let ladies actually take part in running races like this one?

That is an excellent question, Abbie, and I do not have an answer. I would imagine that running this far would be bad for women. I don’t know. As I mentioned earlier, I’m not a runner.

Nor am I, Costelle, nor am I.

I like to do my Peloton.

[approximately 1 hour 15 minutes of silence as runners stream across the finish line]

Oh! Hey! Abbie, look!

What?

Another lady with a big U.S. flag.

You love to see it. USA! USA!

I assume this is another spectator out to support her husband. Her shirt says… Clamato?

No… I believe that’s D’Amato.

Huh. Well, whoever she is, she looks pretty happy, too.

The good vibes out here are just infectious, Costelle.

Maybe Clamato will be inspired enough to come back next year and do the 5K marathon.

That’s the power of running, Costelle. It’s an amazing sport. Or so I understand. I’m not a runner.

Me neither.

[cut to commercial]