What You Need to Know About the 2021 Boston Marathon, From a Guy Who Just Found Out His Girlfriend Has Been Cheating on Him
/
Depositphotos.com
The Boston Marathon traditionally takes place on Patriots Day, the third Monday in April. Last year, due to the COVID pandemic, that didn’t happen; this year, with the pandemic still in full force, the race was pushed from its usual April date to Monday, October 11.
The race date is just one of several ways the 2021 Boston Marathon will look different—for participants, volunteers, and spectators alike. Here’s what you can expect, according to Nathaniel Hawthorne, a Boston-based running journalist who recently discovered his longtime girlfriend has been sleeping with his best friend.
Proof of Vaccination
Boston Marathon participants this year are required to show proof of vaccination against COVID-19 or to test negative for COVID. Runners who meet either of those criteria will receive a special bracelet. Not as special as the one I gave Ashley for our first Christmas together, which set me back 300 bucks and which she probably wears while fucking Dan, the guy I used to consider a friend. But, you know, still. This bracelet will be important. You’ll need it for bib number pick-up, to board buses to Hopkinton on race day, and to get a finisher’s medal. For when your race is finished.
Over.
Kaput.
History.
Earlier Start Times
Start times this year will be earlier than usual:
Men’s Wheelchair: 8:02 a.m.
Women’s Wheelchair: 8:05 a.m.
Handcycles and Duos: 8:30 a.m.
Professional Men: 8:37 a.m.
Professional Women: 8:45 a.m.
Para Athletics Division: 8:50 a.m.
Rolling start (begins): 9 a.m.
Ashley and Dan will probably sleep through all of those start times, in Ashley’s bed, where I used to hold her and whisper that I loved her, since they’ll have been up all night doing it. With the bracelet right there on Ashley’s wrist.
I had it inscribed, by the way, that bracelet. “To Ashely, Love Forever. N.”
Mask Requirements
Masks will be required in all indoor public settings, including the marathon Expo, per the Boston Public Health Commission. If you think about it, we all wear “masks,” don’t we? Not cloth ones, necessarily. More like façades that hide our true selves. For instance, the beautiful person you think you’ll spend the rest of your life with might turn out to be not beautiful at all. The beauty might turn out to be a mask, covering something truly ugly.
Same goes for alleged best friends.
Wellesley Scream Tunnel
As reported previously on DumbRunner.com, there will be no kissing this year at Wellesley College’s well-known scream tunnel. It’s just as well. None of those kisses, in years past, meant anything. Just like all the times I kissed Ashley, apparently. How stupid I was to believe otherwise.
Athlete Tracking
According to the B.A.A., friends and family can track runners during the marathon via the BAA Racing App or on the BAA’s website. My advice? Think twice before you go tracking someone’s whereabouts. You might not like what you find. I mean, yeah, your loved one will probably stick to the marathon course, just like you expected. But what if she doesn’t? What if you learn, through that Racing App or from a friend of a friend who happened to witness it, that your loved one opts instead to make out with your so-called best friend in a corner booth of the dive bar where you and she had your first date?
On second thought, screw it. Track your runner. The sooner you learn the truth, the better.
Security
Spectators hoping to enter official event venues or certain areas along the course may encounter security checkpoints staffed by police or private security officers who will ask to inspect bags. Which is a sick joke, of course. I don’t care how “secure” you think you are—you’re still vulnerable to having your heart ripped from your chest when you least expect it. Take it from me.
Have a good race, I guess.
