CDC Recommends Face Masks Whenever Somebody Lets One Rip
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New guidelines from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention urge all Americans near a flatulent person to wear face masks, Dumb Runner has learned. It’s a shift for the federal agency, which previously recommended masks only in cases of especially foul flatus.
“For years, the consensus among health officials and gastroenterologists was that masks were unnecessary for all but the stankiest-ass farts,” the CDC said in a statement. “Today, informed by new data and with more Americans comfortable with the idea of using face masks, we are advising anybody who suspects someone nearby has ‘dealt one,’ so to speak, to put on a mask tout de suite.”
“Honestly, in this day and age, there is just no reason not to.”
The statement made only vague references to the data in question, noting that Americans’ farts “are significantly more potent” than in years past, both in the severity of their odor and in the distances they can travel.
“Much as today’s strains of marijuana are more powerful than the stuff our parents and grandparents smoked,” it said, “modern farts pack an olfactory punch that those of previous generations could never match.”
It also stressed that homemade masks are effective in blocking the worst of a fart’s effects, noting that medical-grade surgical masks and N95-style respirators should be reserved for health care professionals.
“A bandana or hand-sewn mask that covers the nose and mouth will filter, on average, about 80% of fartlets,” it said, using the clinical name for the tiny, noxious particles that constitute a fart. “Perfume the material first with essential oils or something, and it’s even better.”
To be clear, the CDC did not link the issue of flatulence with the spread of illness in general or with the coronavirus in particular.
“This is just a quality-of-life thing,” it said. “It’s got nothing to do with health, per se.”
The statement ended with a call for vigilance, noting that virtually all farts are colorless and many are noiseless—“the dreaded S.B.D. variety,” as it called them.
“Keep your nose alert and your mask ready,” it said. “A little planning and quick action can save you a lot of grimacing and fanning.”
