Patriot Honors U.S. Flag By Soaking It With Ass Sweat

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A local man celebrated Independence Day by participating in a July 4th race while sporting U.S. flag bikini briefs, saturating the shorts in sweat tainted by his anus and genitals, Dumb Runner has learned.

Melvin Greenwood, 39, wore the patriotic get-up for the Proud to Be an American 5K. He completed the ensemble with a small American flag tucked into a headband. The flag fell out around the 2-mile mark, witnesses said, and was trampled by several hundred runners before a spectator dashed onto the course to collect it and toss it in a trash can.

Greenwood's shorts, too, were trashed—figuratively.

Sources told Dumb Runner that by the time Greenwood crossed the finish line (in a time of 28:12) his red, white, and blue briefs were visibly soaked in sweat, particularly in the crotch. At least one nearby witness described the smell as "really funky."

"I'll be honest," the witness said. "They smelled like ass."

"Also, I think at some point he spilled some Gatorade on them."

Reached for comment, Greenwood told Dumb Runner that he's run the Proud to Be an American 5K race for three years in a row and that he wears the star-spangled uniform every time.

"What can I say?" he said. "I love this country, and I love our flag."