Asshole Takes Three Bananas

Some asshole took three bananas in the finishers’ chute at last weekend’s San Marcos Marathon, Dumb Runner has learned.

The runner in question, an unidentified male, was among nearly 4,500 participants who filed past long tables after receiving their medals after finishing the race. In addition to crates of whole bananas, the tables were laden with bottled water, energy drinks, packaged granola bars, and bagels.

Described by witnesses as “brazen” and “an act of naked greed,” the incident drew instant condemnation.

“This guy was already carrying so much stuff, he could barely even carry (the bananas),” said Fielding Mellish, 40, a fellow runner who watched the scene play out. “At one point, he tucked a banana under his chin as he rearranged his other things. I couldn’t believe my eyes.”

“You’ve heard of a power grab?” said another witness, Molina Vargas, 32. “This was like that, except instead of grabbing power this guy was grabbing bananas.”

“What an asshole.”

Reached for comment, event organizers confirmed the accounts and said that while they do not have a policy restricting the number of bananas each runner may take, “common sense” should prevail.

Taking one banana, of course, is fine, they said in a statement. Two? Maybe. But three bananas, the statement read, “goes beyond the bounds of human decency.”

It’s unclear what steps, if any, the organizers will take next, though many runners are trying to identify and shame the culprit via social media.

“Do you know this runner?” reads one post making the rounds on Facebook. “I wonder what his employer would think if it knew he took THREE BANANAS at a race last weekend.”