Ask Dr. Dumb: Should I Become an Aerobic Monster?

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Depositphotos.com

Readers, if you are the kind of person who wants to achieve your running goals, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that OutsideOnline.com has just the advice you’re looking for. The bad news is that that advice is to become a monster. If you think this is hyperbole on my part, well, see for yourself:

I don’t know about you, readers, but when I see the phrase “aerobic monster,” I immediately think of our resident expert on exercise physiology and classic horror movies, Dr. Dumb. So I called him with some questions.

Below is a transcript of our conversation, edited to remove the jump-scares.

Dumb Runner: Doctor, thanks for joining us to chat about aerobic monsters.
Dr. Dumb: I am happy to discuss this important and terrifying topic.

Let’s start with the basics: What is an “aerobic monster”?
An aerobic monster is like a regular monster, but with a really impressive 5K PR.

What does an aerobic monster look like? Would we know one if we saw one?
That’s a good question. Aerobic monsters can take many forms.

It sounds like aerobic monsters can be shape-shifters.
In a way, yes. For instance, an aerobic monster might morph from a skinny 5000m specialist into a skinny marathoner.

That sounds horrifying.
It is not a pleasant process to witness.

I thought that aerobic monsters might look something like the fellow in the stock image shown above.
Goodness, no. The guy in the stock image has too much body fat. And he isn’t even wearing a watch.

Also, I saw this embedded in the Outside Online article, and thought that perhaps it was a photo of an aerobic monster:


No, that is an embarrassing, low-rent advertisement.

Ah. Dumb Runner does not have ads, or sponsored posts, or paywalls. All of its content, which is 100% original, is available to everyone and entirely reader-funded.
Fascinating! Is it quick and easy for readers to contribute, and does every dollar matter?

Yes, to both. Just click here.
I’m glad I asked!

So am I, but back to the topic at hand: Are aerobic monsters a threat to the rest of us?
Only if you stand between them and their track workout. Otherwise, they’re very docile.

Is there a way to achieve my running goals without becoming an aerobic monster?
Sure, as long as your running goals are weak and pathetic.

Is it obvious, as it’s happening, that a runner is becoming an aerobic monster? Do aerobic monsters know they’re aerobic monsters?
It’s tricky. According to the Outside Online article, “You’ll know you’re becoming an aerobic monster when your training starts feeling more doable.” But that’s a very squishy metric, isn’t it? As for the self-awareness question, that’s even trickier. Aerobic monsters aren’t very talkative. They tend to be focused like a laser on becoming more aerobically monstrous.

So how can you tell if someone is, or is becoming, an aerobic monster?
Often you can’t, until you look up their race results.

One final question: Should someone write a children’s book parody called “The Aerobic Monster at the End of This Book,” starring lovable, furry old Grover?
Yes.

Thank you again, Dr. Dumb. This has been very helpful.
You’re welcome. Keep up the good, 100%-reader-supported work.