‘I Need to Get Back in Shape,’ Says Man Who Has Never Really Been in Shape
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A local man declared Tuesday that he should “get back in shape,” Dumb Runner has learned, implying that he was strong and fit at some point in the past—a claim that several sources privately disputed.
The man, Joseph Campbell, a 52-year-old father of two, made the statement while having dinner with friends.
“Man, I really need to get back in shape,” Campbell said at one point during the group’s conversation, upon learning that one of his dinner companions had recently run a marathon.
Campbell reportedly patted his midsection as he spoke, sources said, then sighed loudly and called the server over to order another drink.
“The thing is, Joe has never been what I would call ‘in shape,’” said one source who, like the others, requested anonymity to discuss the sensitive subject. “I’ve known him since high school, and even then he wasn’t particularly active.”
The source stressed that, though Campbell has never been athletic, his health is, by most measures, decent.
“He’s never been, you know, a total slug or anything,” the source said. “Joe’s health and fitness levels are probably average for a random guy his age.”
“But these days,” added the source, “that is a pretty low bar.”
It remains unclear whether Campbell sincerely believes he was once in shape, or is lying to himself for some reason.
Reached for comment, Campbell told Dumb Runner that he intends to look into a gym membership soon—but that, for now, he’s too busy.
“After things quiet down, I’ll do it,” he said. “I’ve really got to get back in shape.”
