Sports Drink Marketer Suddenly Remembers His ‘Immunity’ Product Doesn’t Actually Do Anything
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A senior employee of sports drink maker FĀN woke at 3 a.m. today in a cold sweat, having suddenly remembered that his company’s “immunity booster” product doesn’t actually do anything to boost immunity, Dumb Runner has learned.
“Oh my God!” said Harold Hill, the company’s marketing director. “People think this shit really works!”
The product in question, boldly labeled “IMMUNITY/For Immune Support,” includes some vitamins and trace amounts of certain minerals, as well as “electrolytes” and “3 essential botanicals.” But there is no evidence suggesting that it affects the user’s immune system in any significant sense.
“These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration,” reads a small disclaimer at the bottom of the product description page on FĀN’s website.
Like most other of FĀN’s 36 full-time employees, Hill understood from the beginning that the company’s IMMUNITY formulation, like its others, was bogus. But he had managed to push that knowledge deep into his unconscious, rationalizing his pushing of the product by telling himself that people seemed to enjoy its flavor.
Last night, though, the fundamental emptiness of FĀN IMMUNITY’s claims came crashing back into Hill’s conscious mind, prompting his profane outburst.
In ordinary times, Hill thought, peddling a phony immunity booster does no real harm. Today, however, with a viral pandemic racing across the globe, spreading sickness, death, and fear, doing so may only give vulnerable people a false sense of security and distract from things that really could support a healthy immune system, such as eating a diet rich in fruits and vegetables, exercising routinely, moderating your alcohol intake, getting quality sleep, and so on.
“Jesus,” he whispered, staring into the darkness of his bedroom. “What have we done?”
Hill eventually fell back asleep, vowing to do better.
At last report, Hill was on a video call with several FĀN colleagues, discussing an online promotion for FĀN IMMUNITY and debating whether a 20% off coupon code or a BOGO offer would do more to increase sales.
