No Finishers at 2026 Barkley Marathons as Earth Opens Its Mouth to Swallow Shrieking Participants Into the Realm of the Dead Before Closing Over Them Forever
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No runners finished this year’s famously tough Barkley Marathons, Dumb Runner has learned, after the very earth suddenly ruptured under competitors’ feet, swallowing them whole before closing up, sealing them in its dark, unknown depths for all eternity.
“Once again, the course has won,” race founder Gary “Lazarus Lake” Cantrell told reporters, noting that he was “pretty sure” the yawning hellmouth had claimed all 40 of this year’s runners, though he couldn’t be 100% certain.
The event, held in Frozen Head State Park, Tennessee, takes competitors over five laps of an unmarked course about 26 miles long, with 63,000 feet of elevation gain. Runners have 60 hours to complete all five loops. This year it began on Valentine’s Day, the earliest ever start date in the event’s history.
The 2026 edition was even rougher than usual, given the early start and harsh weather. But in the end, it was the unexpected fissure that did the field in.
“No one saw it coming,” said one journalist who witnessed the calamity and asked not to be identified. “I mean, one moment [the runners] are there, with their trekking poles and whatnot, and the next, the earth opens its mouth and devours them whole.”
“Then it closes up, as fast as it opened, and it’s like they were never there.”
Other witnesses confirmed the journalist’s account.
“They went down alive into the realm of the dead,” said an observer, who also requested anonymity. “Then the earth closed over them, and they perished and were gone from the community.”
“It was some crazy shit, even by Barkley standards.”
No one has been able to explain how or why the chasm opened, or closed up again, seemingly spontaneously. But some have used supernatural or biblical terms to describe the event.
“God was not pleased with them, for they were struck down in the wilderness,” said one commenter on an Instagram post. “Woe to them!”
Reached for comment, Cantrell, the Barkley Marathons founder, lit a cigarette.
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