‘We Love Running—and Each Other,’ Say Local Couple, Nauseating Dozens
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Authorities are blaming two local runners for a spike in cases of nausea, Dumb Runner has learned, saying the couple has acted with “reckless disregard for public health” by jogging together while proclaiming their mutual love of running and of each other.
“These two individuals are directly responsible for 42 cases of mild to severe nausea and at least a dozen instances of vomiting,” said Roy Lichtenstein, M.D., director of the county health department. “And those are just the ones that we know of.”
“We are urging the public to avoid contact with these runners if at all possible.”
The runners, a male and female who remain unidentified, are thought to be in their early to mid-twenties. The duo have a habit of gazing into each other’s eyes, even while running, and sharing what witnesses describe as “baby talk.”
“It’s all very lovey-dovey,” said one witness, who requested anonymity. “Like, ‘I wuv you sooo much,’ and ‘I wuv you, too, sugar tart—and I wuv wunning wif you.’”
“I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it,” the witness said, adding that the pair would occasionally “boop” each other on the nose, make air-kiss noises, or playfully tickle each other.
Another witness said the couple passed her recently while she was walking her dog, sending her racing to a nearby garbage can.
“They passed me from behind, so I didn’t have time to plug my ears,” she said. “By the time I knew what was happening, I heard [the woman] saying, ‘How did I get so lucky, to find a partner for running and for life as sweet as you?’ and her partner replying, ‘I’m the lucky one, silly goose,’ and the whole time they’re just making eyes at each other.”
“I threw up,” she said. “Hard.”
Lichtenstein said his agency is trying to contact the couple in order to contain the threat. In the meantime, he said, onlookers who encounter them should give the pair a wide berth and, if possible, cover their ears and avert their eyes.
“Nausea isn’t the most serious condition in the world,” he said. “But it’s no picnic, either—for you, or for those around you. If you see these two, protect yourself.”
