Spectator: Course Marshal Watched Turnaround Point Traffic Cone Like a Fucking Hawk

istockphoto.com

istockphoto.com

A volunteer at a local half-marathon on Sunday was keeping a very close eye on an orange traffic cone on the course, Dumb Runner has learned.

The cone marked the turnaround point for runners of the Kaffee Dash Half-Marathon, an out-and-back race, and the volunteer, identified as Nathan Jessup, 59, was “watching it like a fucking hawk,” according to JoAnne Galloway, a spectator.

“Dude was like one of those Queen’s Guards at Buckingham Palace,” said Galloway. “Except instead of staring stoically into the middle distance, he had his sights locked on that orange cone. I thought about walking up and trying to make him laugh or smile or something. But I didn’t. Honestly, he kind of scared me.”

Sam Weinberg, who was watching alongside Galloway, offered another comparison.

“Sometimes when I’m out walking my dog, he’ll suddenly spot a squirrel,” said Weinberg, “and everything stops. He’ll freeze like a statue, laser-focused on that squirrel, and nothing can move him.”

“This guy was like that.”

Galloway and Weinberg both noted that Jessup was holding a bullhorn the entire time and that, while he never used it, he was clearly dying to.

Reached for an interview, Jessup boasted that he has a perfect record as a course marshal. Over 15 years of volunteering at local races, he said, “not one runner has turned around shy of the orange cone.”

“No sir,” he said. “Not on my watch.”

Jessup added that he had to pee but held it in for nearly four hours in order to complete his duties.

“We live in a world that has orange cones,” he said, “and those cones have to be guarded by men with bullhorns.”

“You want me on that race course,” Jessup concluded. “You need me on that race course.”